Tag: utah

Poetry

Utah’s Big 5

Crellim August 15, 2018

Watch my reading of Utah’s Big 5 at the Talent Salad at the Ogden Comedy Loft. Thanks to Matt Tse for recording!

I’m a little obsessed with Utah’s public lands. Some of the world’s most magnificent geologic wonders exist within the boundaries of this state. There are politicians here who don’t understand the wonder of these lands. All they see is the possibility for a quick profit. From the geologic record preserved in the sandstone to the living history from Ancestral Puebloans to Fremont and Anasazi Indians to Ute, Piute, and Navajo tribes to Spanish explores to white fur traders to Mormon settlers. These formations have stories to share from many millennia. The value can’t be defined in mined dollars or drilled black gold. The politicians don’t understand what the earth has given birth to here. I love these lands. My nature is their nature. My love letter to Utah’s Big 5.

Gentle hands stroke my Delicate Arch as you find the right spot.
Dark Angel come to my Devil’s Garden and play with immortal desire.
Make my Spires rise into the depth of night.
Let the heat build in my Red Rock celestial kingdom.
Oh, Earth, your Thrust tickles my delight.
Rise Sandstone from deep within
As your Uplift brings forth my Salt Domes
Oh, the pressure, oh the heat! Explode my Fiery Furnace with all of your might.

I chase deep into your Canyonlands
I prowl the River arteries of your heart.
Let me join with you in the Confluence of our Green need.
I know this is not a safe ride.
Your Raging Rapids turn me up inside.
It’s not a game either as I find my way through your Maze.
Please take your time as you ride along my White Rim. Come home to me!
And let the Meteorite of your love explode into my Upheaval Dome.

There are no Barriers to our love.
but your Reef does stop me in my tracks.
Slither along the curves and wrinkles of my Waterpocket Fold.
Erect Cathedrals that reach to the heavens to celebrate this love.
Oh Wayne, your Wonderland makes me moan.

Peakaboo, I see you, my love!
As I Switch Back deep into your recesses.
Not a canyon that the river of our love rushes through
but an Amphitheater where the curtains rise to your performance of love.
My spires swell up to the Rainbow’s Point
Where my love casts voodoo on your Hoodoo!

Your love Tunnels straight into my heart.
Oh you get me so hot!
Whoops! There went my Flash Flood
Straight into your Virgin River
God, don’t get distracted by Angel’s Landing.
Ride Kolob straight into my Narrows
And erect the Subway of our love.

Maybe our politicians are right. Maybe we do have a porn problem. They’d rather have Utah fucked by industry than celebrate nature’s psalms.

Poetry

I Love Ogden

Crellim May 20, 2018

Mt. Ogden stretches toward the sky on the West. I climb the scree field to get to the source of your wonder. The water flows from your peak and over the cliff to claim my heart. The snow mates with the sun on those upper rises to send that vibrant stream down the slopes until it explodes into a waterfall that seeds life into the soil below. Here, I am taken by your power. The feeling rises from the depths of my soul and I moan, oh god, you make me whole!

Into my heart, your river flows. It races down the canyon, flowing past rock and rubble. The swift cool water centers the deep crevices carved in mountain walls. I jump in the current and become part of the flow. Hug each curve of the river, feel each swirl, get swallowed in each eddy, as the flow paints the bottom edge of the mountains above. Your wet, wild river fertilizes the banks as it races from this canyon into the heart of Ogden.

To the north sits great Ben, I want to climb your peak and lose myself in your enormous rise that smiles down on Ogden below. Let me caress your curves along the trail and stroke each pass as I climb your mount. The thought of your rugged ways makes me quiver inside. When I summit and reached the climax of your mountain crest, I will embrace you in my nature’s womb.

My passion for Ogden drives from north to south. Come cruise along the Vard to create our love song. Let me shift your stick and honk your horn. Vroom, Vroom, our engines rev. Don’t drive too fast, we want to make this ride last. Swoop down past the temple that tries to mock our sin. But this town’s wild can’t be reined in. Let’s pull into the Bigelow to grab a room, to know why it pays to live in Ogden.

The ebb and flow of this city rides along the tracks. Let the steam build as the car rocks along the rails. The cha-tunk, cha-tunk, cha-tunk rhythm drives the beat of my heart. Your flame burning coals get me so hot. My face turns red and beads of sweat form at my crown as the engine builds pressure. You pull into my station. I let go. AAAAAA screams my whistle to signal you came home.

Let’s walk this night, down the historic steps of 25^thstreet. A place where history won’t hide it wild side. Let’s learn from those who’ve wandered these streets before and tumbled on the bedsheets behind the walls of lore. Take me in, you, brothels of the past and saloons of the present. Have your way with me, untame me, set me free, my beautiful Ogden. To you, I’ll always be your whore.

(images are from postcards and greeting cards of Ogden, Utah)

Painting

Original Crellim Inspirational Doodles now featured on gift certificates at the Bickering Sisters

Crellim October 6, 2015

Moving back to Ogden has provided the opportunity for me to explore my creative side, like I was hoping. It’s amazing how following a new dream opens up new possibilities and I’m in awe of the paths that are being laid out before me.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong, and I’m part of a community. That’s why I fell in love with Ogden. The people here are open and not pretentious. They aren’t afraid of liking things that are cute and corny. If it resonates, then they appreciate the work. My doodles are very childlike. It’s partly because I’m still working on my skills, but it is also because I’m trying to keep the simple, kind, loving, and playful aspects of a child in my art. Luckily, there are others here who appreciate those same values.

In July, I started a project to doodle and share inspirational notes. Each day, I would draw an inspirational note based on whatever inspired me that day. I then needed to give the note away to inspire someone else. It was also about creating something I could just let go out into the world. I was dedicated to the task of creating the notes each day, but I wasn’t always good about giving them away. Even though there are many who would doubt my shyness, I am not good at talking to people I don’t know. So I’m not very good at approaching people and giving them one of my doodles. Most of the time, I stuck them in with tips so I didn’t have to talk to the person I was giving the card.

This is very true of the inspirational note I left with my tip at the Bickering Sisters. My mom and I went to the Ogden Farmers Market on a very warm Saturday. As we were returning to the car, my mom rested in the shade for a moment on a bench outside of the Bickering Sisters. We didn’t know about this new restaurant on Grant near the corner of 25^th street, but they noticed us resting in the shade. They brought out water for my Luna Lovegood rescue pup, which sold me on trying the restaurant. Mom and I were both hungry, so we went in. Let me tell you, I was in love with this restaurant at first bite!

I had the pesto pasta with an over-easy egg on top. The pesto flavoring was perfect and not greasy, and the egg made it super rich and creamy. Pesto is my favorite pasta dish, and this pesto is the best I’ve had in Utah. The food is so fantastic at the Bickering Sisters, I’ve become a regular. However, on this first visit, I was so impressed with the food and the service, I left one of my inspirational notes with the tip.

Like the rest of the inspirational doodles I’ve given out, I had expected nothing in return but hoped it would bring a smile. However, this note did not lead to a dead end. A few weeks later, Mom and I returned to the Bickering Sisters to enjoy another lunch. Karen Larrabee served us again and said that her sister, Susan, who was in the kitchen creating the incredible dishes they served, loved my inspirational note and wanted to talk to me. I guess that teaches me I’m not invisible when I stick these notes in with tips J

Susan came out and said she loved the note so much that she would love for me to doodle a few gift cards for the Bickering Sisters. People would not receive a standard gift certificate, but a doodle that made their day a little brighter and they could keep long after enjoying their tasty meal at the restaurant.

After working on several doodles I used for my createdaily project, Susan picked out 5 doodles she liked best to use for the gift certificates. They all focused on connection – to self, to food, to nature, and to others which I found represented the experience of eating at the Bickering Sisters.

For a fantastic meal, you won’t be disappointed at the Bickering Sisters. And if you need a special gift to provide a little inspiration for someone dear, buy a gift certificate with one of these original Crellim doodles.

Thoughts

Dammit I moved home and I’m a blogger slacker!

Crellim February 21, 2015

I’ve been such a blogging slacker lately, but I really need to give myself a break. I totally went through with my plans and packed up and moved back to Utah. I’ll admit it was an emotional decision for me to make and that added to the stress of moving. But I worked through all though issues and made a huge, but incredible change in the direction of my life.

Maybe it would have made it easier to go through the change if I’d been writing publicly about it and sharing the story. But I needed that extra energy just to get everything packed up and moved in less than two weeks and then to get set up in my parents house when I made it back to Utah. I’m happy to announce that on Tuesday, I will have been back in Utah for 4 weeks and I’m starting to feel settled. That’s why I feel like I’m ready to get back to my writing, even though I’ve left you hanging for the last 6 weeks!

I’ve already shared why I came to the decision of why it was time for me to leave the Bay Area and return to my home town. But I had to deal with some emotional baggage before I could happily return. I thought a lot about if I was giving up by moving home or if I was failing because I finally decided I couldn’t make it their. But honestly moving back to Utah was never going to be giving up or failure. It was just making a change to support my new path of life. The real failure was my ego, which I had to get into check.

Ten years and a half years ago when I left Utah, I’d just finished my Master’s degree and I was ready to rebel agains all the oppressive norms I felt growing up in Utah. I wanted show that a woman could go from small city Utah and have some high-power career, where I would take care of myself, and live the fabulous city life as seen on TV. When I had my career, I felt like I was looking back at all the sexist people in Utah who expect women to just have kids and not care about their career, and telling them to shove it. I built my ego up and made myself feel better because I thought I was better than Utah. (I apologize to all my friends I love in Utah. I never thought anything bad about you. This was all about me and my ego. But I totally deserve your criticism for my small-mindedness.)

So I was going back to Utah, which for the longest time I thought I was just too damn good for. Luckily, I was able to start to see the good things about Utah. Plus, I’ve been working on myself for long enough that I can do a good battle with my ego and get it to let go of my thinking and how I define my self value. But still I admit my failure to get such a California ego that I had no problem trashing my roots and closing me off to the good things about Utah and Ogden.

I had my bestie constantly asking me if I was happy and sure I was making the right decision. I really knew moving home was the best decision. I was nervous because I was giving up all I had known for the last 10 years. Minus, the ego problem, I really did feel that I grew into myself in California. I was coming back a different person and I didn’t want to lose that. I also tend to worry when I should be focusing on the excitement about change. So happy was going to be a bit out in the distance for me.

But even with fighting my mental baggage, I did it. I moved to Utah and I couldn’t be happier. I’m starting to settle into a routine. I’ve gone back to working part time doing contract work. I’ve still got time for my creative endeavors. Yes, it’s different to live in Ogden. It definitely is not as social as the Bay Area, where people can go out most nights for food and drink. But I’ve been learning how to cook and making dinner for my parents instead of going to my regular watering hole. I also found a cafe for me to enjoy and work from, which carries on some of how I lived in California. Kaffe Mercantile has definitely treated me well. Plus, I get to see my dear friends that I had missed so much from living so far away.

So with almost a month under my belt here in Ogden, I can say I’m happy. This was absolutely the best move for me and I’m glad I found the courage to make the change. I do apologize for my Ego and being so anti-Utah for so long. But I’m here now to really discover the good things about my home town, and since I’m coming back as a new person, I hope my eyes will see things with a positive and open perspective.

Moving On – The Next Chapter

Crellim January 13, 2015

My road trip really became a defining moment for me in 2014. When I started the journey, I had hoped it would change me. I was honestly worried I wouldn’t grow as much since my Dad was crashing the journey. However, I was so totally wrong. I grew in ways I am just starting to understand.

I know it’s easy to say that there is so much more to life than just your job, but a road trip really drives that point home. I saw where the mountains stretch out into prairies, where grand rivers come to life, GMO corn that even the crows won’t touch. I met fabulous people from all over the country who were always supportive. They would always say, “I would love to do that some day, to see the world.” My response was always to do it, it’s worth every penny. But now I’ve gotten at taste that there is something so much more out there and bigger than me in this world.

The journey opened me up to my creative nature which I had been suppressing since I was young child. The freedom of the journey, being able to write about the experience, to take photographs of all the amazing things I was seeing just exploded out of me.

But I’m also not ready to stop traveling and exploring. I caught a nasty bug on the trip, I caught the travel bug. Now, you might think I already had it, but not I just liked traveling. The journey made travel become part of who I am. It is of my essence of how I see the world and want to explore. Sitting in Oakland, I crave the journey and wanting to discover something new. I still wander here, but it’s not the same. I definitely have wanderlust.

The third thing I felt on the journey was that I just let life flow and I allowed myself to experience the trip. I wasn’t worried about money, the next project I needed to complete, the food I needed to nourish myself, the exercises I needed to get just to manage the stress, and the loneliness from living alone in a big city. I could take all that energy and just put it into the enjoyment of my travels.

The journey was spurred by me being laid off after 10 years at SAP. I had a wonderful run at SAP where I got to see the world and work with absolutely incredible people. But it was also a huge amount of work. I was almost always on the edge of burnout. The stress even made me sick with an illness that still has not been defined but can cause me much grief.

I have absolutely no issue with losing my job. Things run their course and business is business, but the major change and the road trip really gave me an opportunity to really examine my values and what I wanted in life. I’ve already written about my next chapter in my 2014 review so I won’t bore you with the details here.

I came back to Oakland after the holidays enjoying a wonderful time with my family and friends. I thought I was really ready to get back to the grind a find a new job. I had planned to work in Oakland for two more years so I could use the money to take acting and art classes. But I honestly started to look at my reprioritized values. Should I really stay here just to work and make money and delay the start of going after my dreams? Honestly, just affording to live in the Bay Area is stress enough. I would need to work just to making living here remain possible. But I quickly discovered that I’m still burnt out and not managing stress well. I don’t really feel read to go back to the corporate world I left.

I’m also really grateful for my life and all I get to do and have accomplished. However, just like the studies on Facebook say, my life is not always as rosey as what it might see if you only see my travels. I definitely don’t want any pity, this is just a moment of me sharing what makes me vulnerable.

When I left Utah 10 years ago, I had hopes of living the big life, having a great job, hanging with fantastic friends, and finding a great boyfriend. I honestly left Ogden with only the skills to have great job. I did not have any real social skills moving here, and I was leaving behind all that I knew and understood. I was just going to fight through and figure out how to fit in. Let’s just say I made a huge amount of progress in that 10 years. However, I’ve remained single the entire time and never really started to build roots.

I came out here to make it on my own and I did. I was strong and independent. Yes, I had support and friends but nothing like what I had left in Utah, and I really never was able to build that same level of support. For example, who did I have to help me financially when I got sick if I had to stop working. No one but me. It’s way too expensive here for me to ask my parents for help. So yes, I’ve been really lonely, I’ve worried if I could do it on my own, and I’ve carried that burden on my shoulders. I didn’t mind for many years, I’m stubborn and good at fighting. However, the road trip showed me how nice it was not to fight. I felt supported.

So now I’m the cliff about to jump into my next adventure. An adventure to explore my creativity and see if I can make those dreams happen. These are dreams that I’ve denied for years with thoughts like you can’t make money, you can’t take care of yourself, you need to have a powerful career, you need to be focused on science, you need to prove to all those damn sexist mormons that you can do anything. Wow, I’ve done great living up to those expectations and exceeding them, but honestly I don’t want to do it anymore.

Its time for me to dream big and see what I’m really capable of doing. But to do that, I need to stop being strapped by expenses of living in the Bay Area and I need a support system with a bit more depth than what I’ve built here. So good bye to that Bay Area chapter of my life. I’m so content with my life and grateful for the growth and experience you’ve brought me. However, I’m moving on.

Moving on in a way I thought never possible. My goals remain the same that I will move to Portland within the next two years to become a working artist and actor. However, I’m taking a little detour and moving back to Utah until I can get my parents to move to Portland. This hasn’t been the easiest decision especially since I said I could never live in Utah again. But with new priorities, being with my parents and some of my closest lifelong friends I have a support group to help me grow to the next stage. Plus, I can get a dog!

So Ogden friends, this is my announcement, I’m coming back to join you. For my Bay Area friends, I love you! I will miss you, but damn it I could visit monthly for less than I pay in rent. But my journey would not have been what it was with out you and for this I’m so grateful.

If you want to know about timing, I’m not one to move slow when I make decisions. There are still a few details to work out, but this change is going to happen very fast. But the craziest part of this all, is that I would never be writing this blog without my road trip. For that, I’m unbelievable grateful!

US Road Trip

Utah !?! – This isn’t the end ;)

Crellim November 12, 2014

Dusk, we cross the final state line for the cross-country adventure. We aren’t quite done yet, but Utah has welcomed us in 🙂

Originally, I was planning to cross Colorado towards the southwest, so Dad and I could visit the four corners, Mesa Verde, and the Grand Canyon. However, just the drive to the four corners was 10 hours. So I made the choice to go to Moab to see Arches, Canyonlands, and Goblin Valley instead, since I had seen these parks before. Dad and I plan to go to the Grand Canyon and check out the sites missed on a trip in the future.

I have been to Moab twice before, once to go an a river trip and another time on a drive to Texas when Dad was super grumpy. So honestly, I never really had a chance to check out Moab. We head in and Dad can’t believe how big of town Moab actually is. But it’s dark and cold so we head straight to dinner at Twisted Sista Tapas. The baked brie and garlic flatbread is so tasty we order seconds.

After dinner, we head out to find camping. My guess is Moab is the camping capitol of the United States. Camping is pretty much available everywhere. We decide on Sandflat Recreation Area just on the outskirts of town. Since it was well after dark, Dad and I couldn’t get a good look at the surrounding areas, but we were definitely pleased when we woke up in the morning. The campground was surrounded by beautiful red-rock formations and sagebrush. So we hiked around on the rocks for a bit before returning into town to get the day started.

First stop in Moab was the Moab Roasting Company. The coffee was good. The service was honest, dry-humored, and a bit in your face – very not Utah, but absolutely perfect! We then headed across the street to Lovin’ Muffin Cafe to get some breakfast. This cafe was totally my kind of place. Graffiti on the walls, good music, super tasty breakfast burrito, and fun people. We could already tell that Moab is not like the rest of Utah.

Finally, we get ourselves out of Moab and make it into Arches. I’ve always seen pictures of the rock formations and arches that make up the park, but to see it in person was amazing. The sky was crystal blue and even though the temperature was only in the up 40s and low 50s the desert sun made it feel very warm. Dad and I drove past balance rock and through the Windows section of the park. But we parked and did the 3 mile loop hike to Delicate Arch. No wonder this formation is used in all of Utah’s advertising, my mind was blown by the beauty. The hardest part of the hike, but probably the most fun was walking up the slick rock face before getting to the canyon that leads to the arch. Finally, we made it and I sat up on a sunny rock to warm myself and rest. Dad who is more daring than I walked around the slick rock bowl to stand under the arch, so I got a picture of him posing under it.

We return back to the car and then headed south to Canyonlands. I had been planning to do Arches and Canyonlands on separate days of the journey, but Dad really wanted to checkout the Green River for fishing. So we sped up these adventures so we could see both in one day. I even added the extra challenge that we were exploring the Needles area of Canyonlands which is more remote than the northern section of the park.

We made it to Canyonlands right after the visitor center had closed. Luckily, a ranger came out and gave us advice on where to go check out with our hour and half of sunlight left. Since we wanted to cover as much territory as possible, we were exploring by car and not by foot. We headed down a dirt road to get a better view of the needles and then went down a rougher dirt road towards the Colorado River lookout. The second dirt road was so rough that I made Dad turn around and head back once it started to get dark. I didn’t want to get stuck high-centered on rock in the middle of no where that night. The moon was just a few days from full and huge on the horizon which did give us extra light, but I was definitely for taking the safer views than risk it.

As it was getting really dark, we made it out of Canyonlands and returned north towards Moab. Dinner was at the Moab Brewing Company. Dad and I shared a fantastic meal of beer-cheese soup and pesto pasta. I had the Tripel beer from their roster of excellent brews and it was an excellent Belgian-style beer. Then our waiter gave us one of the best tips of our trip. He said that since it was almost a full moon, Goblin Valley is extra special. Dad and I decided to make the two hour drive to Goblin that night 🙂

We didn’t end up hiking through the goblins that night, but the moon lit up the path as we drove far into the Utah landscape. The mountains had an eerie glow that lead the way. We could see strange formations in the dark, but nothing really stood out. However, I could see how incredible it would be to go down to the goblins and run around at night.

But the next morning, we finally got to go exploring. I’ve wanted to go to Goblin Valley since I learned about it in high school. To finally get to see the goblins and walk around the rock formations was awesome. If Dad and I had brought a pack with food and more water, I could have played out there all day. But after a couple of hours of play, my stomach started to growl and we continued on our journey.

I set the GPS on my phone to take us to Vernal so Dad could see the Green River. The route took us through the valley that runs between the southern Wasatch and the Book Cliff Mountains. It was a very beautiful drive. When we made it to Duchesne, Dad had second thoughts about heading all the way to Vernal. We didn’t have to be home until the next day so we could have made it there that late afternoon and spent the morning fishing. But Dad decided he wanted to have a longer trip to fish the Green River and to get more information first, so we turned towards my parents house.

We did take the longer scenic route back home through Heber, Kamas, Coalville, Morgan, and finally Huntsville. When we pulled into Ogden, I made Dad drive past the Ogden sign to prove that we had completed the journey!

Mom was not expecting that we were going to be home that night, so she was very surprised when we pulled into the driveway. Dad and I had been away for 60 days, and she was super glad to see us. I was super tired when we made it home so I just showered and went to sleep.

It was the next day I started to think about what we just did, and finally I could relax for a moment. But honestly all I wanted to do was drive on. Luckily, for me, this was just round 1 of the journey. I had promised to take Mom to explore the Northwest after I was done. So I spent a few more days hanging out in Ogden visiting with friends, catching up on my writing, and getting all my travel supplies reorganized.

I’m now ready for Round Two, we are facing a winter storm before we head out. I also have to wait for my Mom to get ready. She is not a low maintenance as Dad or I, so this next part of the journey will be more plush. But the journey does continue!

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