Routine and keeping busy – the tools I use to manage my anxiety and fear caused by Covid-19

April 20, 2020

With Covid-19 so much has changed quickly, and our lives might never be the same. That is damn hard to deal with and then we have to adapt and change to be able to cope with everything that is happening. It’s even more complicated when so much is unknown. There is not even a real date when this Covid-19 disruption will be done wreaking havoc on our lives.

The unknown can be scary enough on its own but having to dig deep to trust ourselves to adapt is another level of difficulty. And even worse, we have to be social isolated as we go through this shit. There isn’t a hug waiting for me from my support system to tell me, we can do it together. That makes me feel even more isolated. We’ve lost a lot, and this totally sucks. But my heart immediately begs from me – what’s next? How am I going to survive this?

I know from my mental health battles, I have to fight the fear and anxiety that is always trying to overtake me. There have been times in my past where I let fear and anxiety overtake me, and it was never a good outcome for my mental health. It usually happened when I was pretending the fear and anxiety weren’t there, and before I knew it, I was in their grasp. My whole world view would changes, and I’d lose sight of the light in my life.

The thought of having to fight for my mental health and manage my fear and anxiety during the age of corona scares me. Do I have the mental fortitude for this fight? I know I’m going to have to dig deep, but I believe in my heart I can do this. So, I’m fighting every day to not let my fear and anxiety take control.

I use a few tools to help me with this fight. I’ve always been drawn to cognitive therapy to help me with my mental health issues, since it focuses on behavior. I have found that making changes to my behavior through repetitive practice does start to change my mental view and mental health. I have found the most success with managing my anxiety with this approach. My go to book is the Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook by Martin M. Antony, PH.D. and Richard P. Swinson, MD.

I often react to my anxiety and fear by freezing and getting stuck in my thoughts. It makes my brain foggy. To help to keep from freezing up and keep my brain clear, I rely on ritual and routine. I try to keep my routines very simple. I follow the same pattern when I get out of bed in the morning. I get up and go straight to the bathroom to get ready for the day. I potty, then brush my teeth and wash my face, and then I put on deodorant and my face lotion. I do my hair and get dressed. I follow the same order of actions every morning. And then I head upstairs to start my day.

That morning routine gets me going, and I don’t have worry about it. It happens on autopilot with out much mental investment. It leaves me the energy I would have expelled otherwise, if I wasn’t sticking to my routine to use for the rest of my day.

When I do head upstairs to start the day, I start with a list of things I would like to do. I pick a project that makes me feel good and satisfies my soul as the first project. Make a cup coffee, read a chapter of book, and/or write in my journal. I then break up my day into chunks of time that I will work on specific tasks, I also have on the list. I don’t multitask. I like to focus on one thing at a time to help keep me focused. Also, if I know I’m only doing one thing at a time and I have time set aside to do, it helps me from getting overwhelmed.

With Covid-19 and having to stay at home, the projects and tasks I fill my day with are different. They are even more different now that I’m not working either. I suspect you will also have to change your projects and tasks to help adapt to this new normal. However, a routine for these new tasks and projects will help make getting through the days easier.

Your routine is not going to look like mine, but find a routine that works for you. The benefits I get from having my routine is that I don’t spend as much energy on these repetitive tasks I do every day. I don’t lose energy to getting overwhelmed by my tasks. And I don’t get distracted and lose energy by fighting to stay on task. I save this energy for all the things I really like to do.

I also tend to have more items on my list of projects and tasks than I could ever accomplish in a day. However, I know this from the moment I make the list, and I don’t pressure myself to get it all done. It’s not about what I accomplish at the end of the day for me. Rather, having more items than I can do in a day and only focusing on one thing at a time, helps me prioritize what I want to do. The things that are most important always rise to the top, and I have another day to work on the other projects. I often think about the phrase, “Why do tomorrow what you can do today?” but switch it to “Why do today what you can do tomorrow?” It makes me giggle and helps relieve the pressure my brain tries to put on me to get things done.

I also have a super long list of things I’d like to do and projects I’d like to work on. I’m always adding to this list as well. I’ll get to it when it is time for that project to happen. It’s rewarding when a project on the list has had issues, and the right time happens, and all those roadblocks disappear.

I have the tendency to procrastinate as well, especially when it’s a project or task I don’t’ want to do. These tasks typically are the administrative tasks in my life like opening the snail mail, paying bills, doing taxes, making dr. appointments and such. I procrastinate right up to the moment it has to be done or there will be a penalty of some kind. And when I final do the task it only takes me 5 minutes to complete. My brain also likes to pressure me to do more and to be more productive, and when I do this, I procrastinate on those projects as well. So, it’s better for me to fight the pressure from my brain to be productive and work on accepting that regardless of what I do, it is enough. When I can keep myself from getting overwhelmed, I am less likely to procrastinate.

I do use a trick to keep my procrastination from getting to me. I let myself procrastinate. I don’t beat myself up over it. I know lots of people procrastinate, so I’m no alone in this behavior. Through taking away the stress and pressure I put on myself to get a project or task done, I can work through my procrastination and get it done. So, I don’t get mad at myself, and I accept that I am procrastinating. But a word of caution, this particular behavior of mine, drives my Mom crazy. She’s always like, “Don’t you want to get it done so it’s not weighing on your shoulders?” And I’m like, “I’ll get to it when I get to it, and I’m not going to stress about it either.”

Another benefit of routine and blocking out the time during the day, is that I have structured my day to have things to do throughout it. It keeps me from getting bored. But when I am struggling with my anxiety, I like to keep busy. I like to keep my brain engaged in activities that distracts me from the anxiety. My anxiety likes to cause me to get stuck in toxic thought patterns and keeping busy helps me from getting stuck in those thought patters. I know there are issues with busyness especially when using it to distract from feeling emotions or using it as a justification of self-worth. Part of my daily routine and self-care process is to dedicate time to feeling my feels. I meditate and breathe into my feelings, so I am not using busyness to hide from these emotions. I stay busy so I don’t get stuck in my anxiety brain patterns. Taking the time each day to check in with how I am feeling also helps me work through the thoughts I get stuck in and vice versa. I can’t process my feelings when I’m stuck in an anxiety thought pattern. So, keeping me busy, keeps me from getting stuck.

I also don’t focus on productivity while I’m busy. I work to resist the need to accomplish and be productive. I don’t worry about the end goal. I focus on the process of doing the project or task and not completing it. If I am worried about the end goal more than the process that is when my procrastination kicks in. I keep busy with things that I enjoy doing, so it feels like I’m taking care of myself at the same time. Reading and writing are huge for me. Reading challenges my brain to grow and writing is how I come to understand the world around me. When I am working, I love doing good work and working hard. I love exploring my creativity and using my creativity to learn more about myself. I love to be in nature. Walking and contemplating the world around me. I love thinking about trees and bees.

Busyness can also be dangerous if I use it to define my self-value. That means I’m comparing myself to others, which is self-destructive behavior for me. So, I work really hard on not comparing myself to others. I don’t stay busy to keep up with the so-called Joneses. I’m not trying to create some side-hustle to make money, and I don’t do the things I do to prove myself. A large part of my mental health work is accepting my self-worth as inherent to my humanity and not to my productivity.

One final benefit of staying busy is that it makes me tired. When I get stuck in my anxiety, I can’t stop thinking the same thoughts, over and over. This will keep me from sleeping and give me insomnia. However, if I am tired, it’s easier to let the sleepiness take over. I also use nighttime rituals to help ready my mind and body for sleep. I dim the lights when it gets dark, I meditate, I stretch, I do deep-breathing, and I listen to music. I don’t cut my sleep short. I believe in rest and the restorative powers of sleep. I always give myself at least 8 hours each night in bed.

I admit that with Covid-19, the stress does get to me and makes it harder for me to sleep. I still relax in bed and focus on deep breathing. Even if I can’t get my brain to settle down to sleep, I’m letting my body relax and have time to recover.

So, I am a big believer in routine and keeping busy to help me manage my fear and anxiety. These are the tools I’m relying on to help me make through the age of corona. I hope these tools that I’m using, will also help you manage the stress and anxiety you might be experiencing. However, if the the anxiety and fear seems more than you can handle, please reach out to a therapist for help. This is not an easy time and therapists are here to help us get through crisis with tools and support.

Surviving Loneliness in the Age of Corona

April 11, 2020

Self Isolation. A new world we have entered into separate but apart. I know that each one of us is handling this differently and are going through the stages of grief losing the life we had before covid-19. Please know you are not alone feeling this grief. It’s hard. It sucks. I really want a hug.

I also know that I can do this social isolation for as long as it takes, and I can do it maintaining my mental health at the same time. I believe you can do it too. However, the first thing we need to talk about and face is loneliness. Unfortunately, I know loneliness intimately well. I’m sharing my story of coping with loneliness in hopes it can help you manage your loneliness now.

Even though moving to California was a life goal for me, I lacked solid social skills and good self-esteem when I made the move. I was shy and socially awkward. I struggled with chatting up people at places I frequented. I did an abysmal job at making friends. But to make things worse, my self-esteem was so bad that at that time, I believed that people would want to be friends with me. I was too weird and socially awkward.

This low self-esteem created my world view. It not only impacted my mental health, it caused me to push people away. This mental state meant I didn’t trust those who were friendly and nice to me. So, my thoughts that people didn’t want to be friends with me, pushed potential friends away. I look back now at a few of those kind souls, and I’m grateful they tried.

I lived in California for over 10 years. Struggling with my mental health issues and not making friends, meant I struggled with extreme loneliness while I was there. But the one thing I never stopped doing was fighting. Fighting my insecurity, working on my self-esteem, going out in public, getting counseling, and learning how to manage my loneliness. I’m super proud of myself for never giving up the fight. And no matter how slow my growth was, I started change and learned new skills that help me become the person I am today. If you are lonely today and struggling with the changes covid-19 has brought us, keep fighting and keep taking care of yourself. It does pay off.

Part of my growth and overcoming my extreme social awkwardness and loneliness was helped by medicine. I know medicine isn’t for everyone, but in times of major crisis and trauma, medicine can be lifesaving to some. So, please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Counselors are available virtually now help you and can recommend medicine that might help you manage the stress of social isolation now. For me, the meds were a game changer. At first, I didn’t feel any different. But six months later, I had a completely different life. The drugs allowed all the mental work I was doing to take hold in my brain. I could finally stop the negative self-thinking that had convinced me that I didn’t deserve friends.

One of the most important things I learned from going through my loneliness was learning to be comfortable on my own and being by myself. I learned I could do anything by myself and came to enjoy my own company. One of the ways I fought my loneliness was not sit and let the loneliness consume my soul. I would gather up my courage and force myself to go out and do all the things I wanted to do even though I had to do it alone. I took small steps. I would go eat dinner at a restaurant’s bar and say hi to the diners around me. I would volunteer. I would go hiking alone. I would wander the streets of San Francisco looking for street art. I would go to cafes and bars. I would get out and about and keep busy. These habits meant that when I moved back to Ogden, I was anything but a homebody.

But how does this help me now in social isolation? I’ve learned how to adapt to the new situation. Learning how to be comfortable with myself means that I’m okay at home and not going out every evening. I also keep fight and pushing for self-growth. Sitting with my loneliness and accepting it, because I didn’t have the tools to make it go away, means I learned to find comfort in solitude. Hiking was huge for me. During these solo outings, I’d explore my thoughts and doubts. It’s where I did the hard work of battling those self-esteem demons. Social isolation is an opportunity to spend time in your own head and work through any mental health issues you have as well. This is a great time to keep up the fight and get to know yourself a little better.

The loneliness I experienced in California still shapes my life. When I moved back to Utah, I decided to live with my parents rather than to live alone. This has ended up being one of the best decisions of my life. Right now, I’m so grateful that I am here with my parents and get to help them through this age of corona. I also tremble at the thought if covid-19 had stuck 6 years ago when I was still living alone in California. Ogden is now my community. The connections I’ve made in the last 5 years will help me get through this even though I can see my friends in person. But I also know that I’ve survived 10 years of extreme loneliness. I can now handle the time it takes to get through the age of corona because I’ve already made it this far. I also know that I’m not doing this alone, but we are in this together.

But to keep the loneliness manageable and take care of our mental health, we have to fight. We have to fight together even though we are separate. Here’s what I’ve learned from my loneliness that I’m using now to help me make through the age of corona.

Since moving back to Utah, I’ve been anything but a homebody. Prior to Covid-19, I had some activity scheduled every evening, and I loved my life. I was and still am grateful for all the incredible things I am involved in here in Ogden and for all the amazing people in my life. I do still feel loneliness as well. I crave my friends. I want a hug. But I know my friends are still there for me, and I for them. So immediately after social isolation was recommended, I reached out to my friends and started a virtual happy hour on Fridays. Even though it is virtual, I get to see my friends’ beautiful faces and connect with them. Seeing them helps. I cherish these virtual get-togethers.

I’ve also tried to keep my regular evening activities going but switching them to virtual meetups. PoetFlow is still meeting at 7 pm on Tuesday on Zoom. Every Sunday, I still meet for my D&D adventure from the comfort of my office. I’ve been practicing with a few improv friends to figure out how to run a virtual improv show. I’ve sang at virtual karaoke with friends. So even though these gatherings are all virtual, they are bringing a bit of normalcy to my life.

Another way I’ve kept going is by supporting others, supporting Ogden, and focusing helping my community. Supporting others helps balance the stress of isolation and makes me feel better about how I’m spending my time. I’ve been collecting covid-19 resources from entertainment to education and sharing them on Facebook so anyone can access. I’ve been providing telecommuting tips and sharing my experience with telecommuting since I’ve been doing it for almost 15 years. I’ve been posting my ideas on Facebook on how we can support each other during the age of Corona and tend to our whole community. By focusing on community and connection and supporting others, it helps me feel not alone. Separate but together.

Since I spent the time in California doing the mental work to be comfortable alone, I’m not afraid to be in my head and explore what I am feeling. There is a lot of stress and emotion that I am experiencing as I watch the news of people dying from Covid-19. So many things that are out of my control but still break my heart. But I don’t run from these feelings. Instead, I sit down and meditate and explore what I’m feeling. I acknowledge them and accept they are part of what it takes to live currently. I work towards accepting my feelings and accepting that I’m not in control. I’m not always great at this and I get overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed, my brain shuts down. So, I sleep. I don’t feel bad for napping. I consider it a crucial part of my self-care. Let my brain rest when it all gets to be too overwhelming. However, I do fight through letting the emotion completely overtaking me, so that it’s all I can do.

One of my best fighting tools against letting all the feels completely surround me is to focus on creativity and learning. My creativity keeps my brain active and engaged. It helps me manage processing the changes that have happened so quickly. So, I’ve been reading children’s books and sharing the recordings on Facebook. I’ve made a heart to decorate my window. I’ve started to learn how to play the mandolin. I’ve been journaling and writing. I’ve shared my experiences on Facebook in hopes people relate and feel less alone. I’m taking a drawing class from local artist Chris Bodily. I bought a glass pen and I’m learning how to write with it. And I have a ton of other projects waiting in my office. I’m using this time to explore my creativity and to learn new things. However, I’m not setting goals or using my creativity to accomplish things. The creativity and the learning are how I’m managing my stress and emotion. For me, it’s about the process and not some end goal or side-hustle. It’s how I keep going and keep fighting for my mental health.

Finally, I support our community as much as I am able to do so. I order take out or delivery from my favorite places. I still have my favorite salted caramel hemp latte from Kaffe Merc on a regular basis, but now it’s delivered at my back door. I had Lavender Vinyl deliver a surprise selection of albums based on what I’ve currently been listening too. And I’ve tried to amplify the voices of my favorite artists and musicians by sharing their posts on my socials. We are all in this together. Eating your favorite meal from your favorite restaurant even if it’s at home, does help create some normalcy to living in the age of Corona.

Separate but together. I am not alone, and even though we are socially isolated, you aren’t alone either. Reach out to your friends and connect with your community. Let’s get through this together.

2020 – Community

January 1, 2020

Is it just me or did 2020 sneak up on me really quick? I love New Years. I love to look back at my year – the memories, the friendships, the adventures. I don’t judge my past year based on my accomplishments, but as I look back, I wonder if I loved enough, if I was kind of enough, was I there for the people dear to me, was I there for myself. Did I face my challenges with courage and grace? Was a vulnerable and open to people and the world? And yes, I look at the parts I’m not so proud of. Did I let fear get in the way of being authentic? Did I run from my emotions when they were difficult to deal with? Did I learn from my mistakes? Did I forgive myself for my mistakes?  Was I grateful?

I can answer each of those questions with the same answers, sometimes I was great, sometimes I was okay, and sometimes I was awful. And then there was the time I just ran away from life for a bit. (My trip to Glacier happened because I was running from life). I had life experiences that knocked me into new awareness about my life. There was love and laughter, hurt and pain, growth, a voice in my gut pushing me to change, daring, fear, and so much more. I love 2019 for exactly what it was, a chance for me to completely human and to connect with the world around me through all my failures and successes.  I’m completely grateful for living day to day in 2019.

And now it’s 2020, a new year and a new decade. I’m not setting any expectations for the year. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that expectations cause pain. When what I expected doesn’t happen, I get hurt. But expectations also limit my vision, my options, my possibilities because I already have an expectation for how things should be. I’d much rather go with the flow and see what happens. This is one of the reasons I don’t do resolutions. They dictate too strongly what I should be doing for the year. I also don’t like resolutions because they typically focus on accomplishments. I more interested in how I lived in connection to those around me.

I do have a running list of ideas of things I would love to do, experiences to try out, places to explore, and so on. It’s not a set list, and it is always changing with ideas added or deleted. I don’t put any dates or timelines on any of the ideas. But what I’ve found is that when it is time for one of these ideas to happen things just align in my life for it to happen. But I don’t stress about if they do or don’t happen!

I have also been inspired by my friend Leslie. Last year she did 19 for 2019 which was a list of things she wanted to experience or try in her life. The focus of the list wasn’t on accomplishments but on life experience and growth. So, I’ve been thinking about my list of ideas for 2020. I definitely don’t have a list of 20 and like my running list of ideas, I’m sure this will change. But here are a few ideas I’d like to try out this year – take ukulele lessons, take a pottery throwing class, do some standup comedy, visit a National Park I haven’t been to yet, and save for retirement.

Honestly, the biggest hope I have for this year is to be present and stay in the moment, to accept life exactly as it happens, and to build deeper connections with all I know and love. I sense this is going to be a difficult year with the upcoming presidential election that is focus on dividing us.

I have been thinking about what role I can take in making this year a little brighter and easier on us all. My gut tells me that I have to share my words and thoughts to encourage more love and kindness in this world, so that’s what I’ve got to do. However, I do think the change I’m capable of is within me and through the connections I make in this life.

So, my focus is on community and building a community I’m excited to be a part of. Ogden is my home and my community, so this year I’m focusing on deepening my connections with love and kindness in Ogden. Even though I don’t do resolutions, I do pick a word each year as mantra to help guide me through the year and my 2020 word is community. I’m looking forward to being present and connected to you all this year. Happy New Year!

 

 

Gratitude

December 20, 2019

It’s the holidays and I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude. I admit I didn’t understand gratitude until recently. Don’t get me wrong. I was thankful and tried not to take my life for granted. But experiencing life changing, soul affirming gratitude was something very new. I had glimpses when I was younger, but I didn’t understand that gratitude could become the backbone of how I lived my life.

I’ve heard all the sayings and advice about gratitude. Start a gratitude journal to feel better. Feeling down, think about what you are grateful for. Everyday think of 10 things you are grateful for. The advice goes on and on. But honestly, I would write down my list of things to be grateful for, and it never made me feel better about my life. But my understanding of what gratitude is has changed, and that has changed my life.

I think gratitude didn’t help me feel better about myself or my life when I was younger because I was grateful for the wrong things. Yes, I was grateful for what I had. All of my needs were met and really all of my wants were met in terms of material things. I loved my car. I loved all the places I lived and created very comfortable homes for myself. I’ve had all the clothes and shoes I’ve wanted to feel good about how I look. These things made my life extremely comfortable and still do. I am thankful for that. But that’s what material things do; they make you comfortable. Even though these material things made my life comfortable and I was thankful for them, they didn’t bring happiness or help me feel better about myself as a human. So, I’d write these material things down as what I was grateful for, and they never helped me feel better about my life.

I was also grateful for my accomplishments and successes. Going to school, getting my Master’s, having a corporate job, running large conferences, and managing large projects were all things I was proud for doing. Also, having the drive and focus to accomplish these things, made me proud. But I was never satisfied. Gratitude for my job and accomplishments never made me feel happy or content with my life. I wanted more. My accomplishments were things I would pile up and collect. Each project or event completed was another notch in my success belt. I was damn proud of the work I did but having these accomplishments and successes didn’t make me feel any better about my life.

In fact, the more and more I would accomplish, the worse I would feel about my life. I expected myself to continue to accomplish and succeed to prove my worth. However, the problem was I had attached my self-worth and value to these accomplishments. I needed to achieve continually to feel good about myself. And I was always afraid of the day I wouldn’t achieve. If I didn’t keep pushing and doing, I wouldn’t get the external validation that I was worthy. Also, even though I thought I was thankful for my accomplishments, the truth was I was always too busy working to really experience gratitude.

The good news is I’ve grown and changed and so has my definition of success.  One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that my value and self-worth as human is inherent and not tied to external factors like accomplishments or material things.

This shift in thinking also changed what I was grateful. It’s no longer about being thankful for what I have or what I’ve accomplished. Rather, it is a feeling of awe for just being alive and getting the chance to live this life. Gratitude is this warmth in my chest I feel when I think of connections I have to people and the world around me. It’s a switch from being grateful for what I can do with my life to being grateful for having the chance to live and to love.

Practicing gratitude is cultivating this feeling of awe through connection and experience. I get this feeling of awe when I connect with people I care about or listen to music that blows my mind or see a sunset that takes my breath away. This feeling of awe feels like when I stand at the ocean and feel the waves break on the beach. I feel small but at the same time completely part of system. In many ways, this feeling of awe is a feeling of love. The awe is so overwhelming, that I lose myself. Through my gratitude and this feeling of awe I connect to something so much bigger than myself and I get to be a part of it. I can only experience this awe if I am present in the moment. When I was focused on my accomplishments, I was always doing and going, not focused on the moment. So, experiencing these moments of awe were rare.

Awe needs time. It needs openness. I take time for gratitude when I see the beauty of the world around me. Gratitude happens when I accept my humanness including all my failures and imperfections and honor the humanity, I see around me. Gratitude is love. It’s cultivating love for myself, for my life, for others, and the world around me. But one of the best things about gratitude is the more gratitude I feel, the more love I feel.

But my biggest breakthrough in understanding gratitude I only learned recently. Since gratitude is tied to my humanity and lived experience, it means I have to be grateful for my full human experience. It means being grateful for the good, the bad, and they ugly of my life. Happiness is a gift but so sadness. Accepting my humanity and being grateful meant I had to accept every part, every emotion, and every experience of my life. For emotions or traumas, I didn’t want to feel or experience, I’ve had to sit down and be present with them. This includes the trauma I experienced there were not my fault and I didn’t deserve. Honestly, I wouldn’t be the same person in all my flawed glory without them. The truth is those wounded, hurt and flawed parts of me deserve the most of love and compassion from me.

Gratitude for every aspect of my life help me accept my imperfect self as is and see that all of me is worthy. This was what is life changing about gratitude. Gratitude is nourishment for my soul. The more thankful I am for my life, the more love and excitement I have to live my life. So, this sense of gratitude has become core to who I am. My favorite saying is Live it with Love, which also means live it with gratitude. This experience with gratitude is circular, so experiencing awe for life, I continually cultivate gratitude and love.

Average is exactly how I want to be!

November 19, 2019

I am average. I am mediocre. I am not exceptional. This is exactly how I want to be! This was a huge lesson for me to learn, but my life changed when I finally did learn it. (Photo from Vodka, Unicorns, and Lincoln Logs)

When I was young, I wanted to be an exceptional student. I studied constantly. I wanted to be exceptional because I fed off the attention it got me. I felt I had to work even harder to prove myself since I was short and overweight. I didn’t fit the societal norms on how I should look or act in high school. So, I wanted to be exceptional in school to feel like I was worthy since I felt like I was an outcast most of the time.

Yes, I did earn fantastic grades, but overachieving in school never got me what I wanted and that was to be liked and fit in. I was trying to prove my worth by showing that I could study and study and do really great. However, many years later, I now know proving your worth is a waste in time.

It took me years and years to learn that my value and worth wasn’t based on what other people thought. It wasn’t even dependent on what I achieved. My worth, your worth, and everyone’s worth is inherent from the moment we are born. It is rooted in our humanity and is part of our gift of getting to live. Trying to be above average or exceptional means you are always trying to prove your worth. When you try to prove something, it means you feel like you are lacking.

Now, I get it. The society we live in does set up all these standards and norms to regulate our behavior. And in our capitalist society, it does want to place a value system on those standards and norms to determine our worth. But statistically speaking, if everyone is exceptional doesn’t exceptional just become the average? Think about driving. We all love to think we are great drivers, but I think most insurance companies will classify us on a bell curve meaning most of us our average drivers.

According to Mark Manson, if all of humanity falls across a bell curve of exceptional, average, and below average, only 1% of would be exceptional and only 1% would be below average. That’s not a lot of people being exceptional considering there are more than 7 billion people on this planet. Plus, when you think of someone who is exceptional, are they exceptional at only one thing but nothing else. Take Simone Biles; she is an exceptional gymnast. But is she an exceptional business woman or scientist or artist? To become the elite athlete she is, she had to give everything into her training, which probably doesn’t leave time to become exceptional at much else. I don’t know about you, but I have too many things that I love and I’m passionate about to commit to one thing to become exceptional. I don’t want to miss out on those things, so I’m choosing to be average at the many things I love.

Still using Simone Biles as an example or any other elite athlete, what happens when they can no longer do their sport? They are no longer going to be exceptional and join the ranks of the average. And it can be much worse! What if that athlete develops their entire concept of self-worth around being exceptional, and they can no longer compete at the elite level they were? What happens to their concept of who they are? It seems like it is potentially a very dangerous mental place to be.

Trying to be exceptional as child affected me as well. It’s common to have that youthful exuberance that I’m going to change the world. I’m going to leave an impact. I’m going to study hard, be successful, and achieve, achieve, achieve. I really believed I was special and was going to change the world. Now, there are kids out there doing just that and I don’t want to stop them. But I wonder how many of them have their self-worth tied up in it like I did.

Tying my self-worth to my achievements caused me to have 3 major breakdowns/breakthroughs where I decided to completely change my life and change me. The first breakdown was during college when I had to give up the idea that I was a science person who was going to be an engineer when she grew up. My senior year, I switched majors from environmental engineering to women studies and my life changed for the better. The second breakdown was when I was finishing grad school. I had always pushed myself from a young child to be the first person in my family to get a PhD. By the time I was done writing my master’s thesis, I knew I was done with academia and wanted to try something else. So, I moved to California to start my corporate career.

I put my heart and soul into my corporate job with the goal to climb. When I moved to California and started this job, I thought I’m going to go do this job and achieve, achieve, achieve. I overworked and destroyed my health. After 10 years, I was totally miserable with my life, my job, and who I was as a person. I also had lost myself which happens when you work 60-to-80-hour weeks all the time. The last two years, I started questioning everything, but I didn’t know what to do next or how to make the changes that would help me be more satisfied with life. But what I did do is start thinking about my self-worth, and how I had attached to what I accomplished and how hard I worked. I started to realize my value as a human isn’t all this work. It’s how I live my life as a human. My value was my whole being.

I also started exploring cemeteries on all my travels to photograph them. I can remember sitting in the cemetery in Barcelona thinking about these monuments to the dead. The only memory of some of the people buried there was their monument in stone. I thought, I’m not that special. I’m not changing history. No one is going to remember me 50 years after I die. I’ll just be another headstone. All the things I’m trying to achieve or accomplish in hopes of being exceptional don’t mean anything after I’m gone. And here I was making myself miserable trying to be exceptional. So, it was freeing to think, “I’m not special.” I’m never going to change history. I’m just a cog in the wheel. I’m average. I don’t have the power or riches or network or influence to change the world, so why am I destroying myself over this.

I still didn’t know how to change my life, so I stayed another year in my career until I was laid-off. Which helped prove even more, all the hard work and accomplishments I had in my career didn’t make me valuable to the company. Thank goodness I had already started the work to define my value as inherent and as being a kind and good person. In the year after the Barcelona cemetery, I had work to move my self-worth from my achievements to me as human based on how I lived my life with love, acceptance, forgiveness, and many more human qualities.

After being laid off, I went on a 4-month road trip adventure to explore the US and try to get back in touch with myself. That road trip was a gift and allowed me to re-evaluate what I valued in my life and how I defined success. I remember feeling like I had been sold a false story on what it meant to be successful: have a good job, work hard, climb the ladder, get the promotion, and so on. I had bought into a lie that wasn’t making me happy with my life.

As I travelled around the US, I started to think about what was important to me in life, what were my values were, and what success meant. I realized that people and deep connections with people was extremely important. It was more important for me to see the beauty and abundance that surrounded me every day in this world than it was to have a powerful career. But this change in me didn’t completely solidify until I was finished with my road trip and trying to figure out what to do for work next. Although I loved my California life, I need the big fancy career to continue to afford to live there. I decided to move back to Ogden so I could have more options on what to do with my life, and after 4 months of living here I knew I was going to stay.

I also knew that I was no longer going to focus all my energy on what I accomplished. Rather, I would focus on people, art, and connecting to the world around me. I also knew that I wasn’t going to strive to be exceptional anymore. That wasn’t a value that suited me. I was comfortable in being average.

What I found is that being average gave me freedom to try new things. I no longer had the expectation I would need to excel or be good at something to do it. I could do things because they brought me joy or contentment. I didn’t have that nasty bug of perfectionism floating around me (which I will talk about in another blog). I was able to jump into Ogden with a full heart and participate in everything I loved because I loved it, not because I was good at it.

Also being average doesn’t mean I’m not trying my best or working hard. It means I am content with what I do and who I am. I’m not trying to overachieve. I’m not defining my value in what I accomplish. It means that I can try new things. I can continue to grow and learn, and it gives me a lot more space to grow and learn since I don’t have to strive for the unattainable perfect. I am no longer constantly trying to prove myself to myself. I can relax and enjoy my life because my worth as a human is inherent. Every time I go to compare myself or criticize myself for not accomplishing enough, I sit back and think – I AM ENOUGH!

Through a lot of this process and redefining my values, I’ve also thought a lot about the world I want to live in. How do I contribute to making the world a better place? I realize being exceptional or special might give me a little more influence over big structural changes I’d love to see in the world, but I wasn’t born into that world. All I can do is focus on my life and how I live it. I might have the power to influence those around me so we can create a better place together. But honestly, being special or exceptional isn’t a help in this situation. My being average means I can live my values of love, kindness, acceptance, and connection to each other and the earth as an example that anyone and everyone can do too. You don’t have to be special or exceptional. You just have to be you, and I just need to be me. Average is exactly how I want to be.

Listen to my gut

October 22, 2019

I’ve heard people talk about listening to their brand vs. listening to their heart. In fact, one of my favorite comics is based on this – The Awkward Yeti (photo of gut above is from the Awkward Yeti). But I realize I listen to my gut. The voice in my gut feels different than the voice in my brain or heart. At times, it feels like both of these voices together, but other times, the voice feels bigger than me. It’s the influence from something outside of me. Call it muse, inspiration, universe, or god.

I often feel like I’m very logical, practical, and super brain driven. But honestly, I’m not. I tend to follow that voice in my gut more times than not. My gut voice becomes most active when it is time for me to change, and I need to create a different life. In the past when I was miserable with life, this gut voice would scream at me. I tried to ignore it, and I ended up with an inflamed GI track. So, now I try to be a lot more open to my gut voice when it speaks. It’s bad news when I try to ignore it.

Change has happened quickly for me when I’ve listened to my gut voice in the past. For example, when my gut told me it was time to move back to Utah. At first, I tried to ignore that voice. My brain said no, you promised yourself to never go back. However, when I found the courage to listen to my gut and move back, the move happened in less than 2 weeks.

Since I’ve been back in Utah, I’ve been more open to letting my gut guide me. When my gut speaks, often I think, well this isn’t the most logical decision, but then I do it anyway. Well, this summer my gut started screaming at me again. Screaming at me in the volume that says it’s time for something big. It’s time for change. My gut was telling me it was time to grow and evolve into a new me.

Look, I know change is constant, so it’s not surprising that it was time for me to change. But at the same time, change is scary because it is unknown. I started reading a lot to help me understand what my gut was asking me to do. The Tiny Buddha blog has been a fantastic resource for me as I’ve listened to my gut this summer.

What was the reason I had to change? I look at the world I live in, and I haven’t been happy with it. It’s filled with fear and hate. I often felt so helpless – How do I change the world so it’s one I’m proud to be part of. I don’t feel that powerful in the grand scheme of things. I live in Ogden, Utah, not in some big city where power is concentrated. I’m not rich, I don’t have influential connections, I don’t have millions of social media followers, and I don’t have a science degree to invent climate change solutions… this list can go on and on with all the ways I lack to change the world.

Well, my gut yelled at me. No, that’s not how you can change the world. However, I gave you words and the ability to live a life of your choosing. Your words are your power. Use them. Share them. Share you. Share your life.

Great! That’s scary. Share my words! Share my life! First off, I’m terrible at being vulnerable. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding being vulnerable. Completely afraid that if I was vulnerable, I would be rejected and shamed. And shame is the one emotion that completely shuts me down. I freeze. I hide. I wish I was invisible. Now, I don’t think this is an abnormal reaction to shame. I’ve read enough Brené Brown to know this is a very common reaction to shame.

But I knew if I was going to start sharing my words and my life, I would have to be vulnerable and risk rejection and shame. How could I change myself so rejection and shame would lose their power over me? How could I be vulnerable and not be afraid of what might happen? Well, that voice in my gut told me it was time to change. It was time to be vulnerable, to share myself through my words, and face my fear of rejection and shame.

So, that’s what I did this summer. I listened to my gut. I learned how to face my fears. I learned how to experience rejection and shame without running away. I learned how to be vulnerable. To do this, I did a ton of journaling. I write to understand myself. I write help me experience my feelings. I write to get to know myself better. I also did a lot of meditation. I would take time to meditate and sit with my emotions. I would focus on feeling all my emotions not just the good emotions. Sitting with my emotions meant I had to feel them, I would acknowledge them and let them be. I wouldn’t force them away or try to hide. I had to let the pass when they passed on their own, not because I was trying to rush through them.

I also took a lot of time taking care of me. Treating myself with love and kindness, working on accepting all of me including those things I’m not happy with. Turning inward and listing to my gut voice and even listening to my hater voice so I could see what it was telling me what I’m afraid of. To face shame and rejection, I had to build myself up with love so I could withstand whatever they might throw at me. Part of self-care was also learning not to care what other people think. What others think is more about them and rarely about me. I noticed I would imagine what others might think of me and that would become my hater voice. I had to make that process stop. Now, when I start to care, I just think it’s none of my business what others think of me.

Finally, I had to face a few things about myself that caused me shame and that I was afraid I would be rejected if anyone knew about them. I had to face them, sit with them, and accept them as part of me. I had tried to hide them or pretend they weren’t there. I had to accept the shame they caused. So, I would sit in my bed and think, this is part of me. I’m okay with this as part of me. (ps. I’m not mentioning what they are because they are still personal but keeping something private doesn’t mean I’m ashamed anymore. It just means I’m claiming that just for me, and if you did find out I would be okay.) So, I sat there until I could accept it as part of me and the shame left. I knew that if I was rejected over these things, I had felt shame about, that this was their problem and not mine. And once I knew I had survived facing my shame that I had been hiding from, I could do that with anything that brought me shame or rejection. So, I think I’m ready.

This summer has been quite a journey and adventure for me. I do feel like I’m starting to come through the other side of this change. I’m ready to start sharing my words and the process I went through. I’m ready to be vulnerable and not let my fear of rejection and shame stop me. I’m excited and grateful for the gift of my words and the power they give me. I’m ready to share my life and the vision of the world I want to live in.

Say Yes – Applying Improv Life Lessons

October 14, 2019

I shared a couple of life lessons with Indie Ogden that I’ve learned from improv, but honestly, I’ve learned so much more. So, I’m going to continue my Indie Ogden idea each week with my life lessons from improv. This week is Say YES!

Say Yes seems to be improv’s #1 rule. The Say Yes rule means to say yes to the scene and the gifts that your fellow improvisers give you when improving. It means that you agree to the world that you are creating together on stage. So, if I’m in a scene with Bill, Bill says, “Julie, my beautiful wife.” I’ll respond, “Oh John, you know flattery will no longer get you anywhere with me after these many years together.” I’ve said yes to suggestion from Bill that I’m his wife in the scene. However, this rule has a powerful effect in real life as well!

The obvious impact of Say Yes is just to say yes to life and live it as fully as possible. Commit to what makes your soul feel alive. Chase your dreams. Say yes to the opportunities and chances that come your way. I fully agree with this application of the Say Yes rule.

But there is another powerful benefit to Say Yes, which works the opposite than it does in the improve example above. So, Say Yes in improv is agreeing to the scene being created. I agree to the relationships being created. I say yes to what the other players say about the character I’m creating. This is how the scene blossoms and develops. But in real life, Saying Yes during an argument or if people are gossiping about you, it will end it.

Regardless of if you agree with what someone is saying with you in an argument or when they talk about you, say yes. Say yes to exactly what they are saying. Agree with it. There will be nowhere left for the argument to go. Typically, in an argument, the other person will be looking for me to get defensive and fight back. To say no to what they are saying. Most likely, they already have the argument prepped and loaded for when you say no and disagree. So, when you say yes, it defuses their argument. It’s unexpected. Plus, how can someone continue to argue with you when you’ve agreed with what they’ve said.

Now this is a lot harder than it sounds, because what they are saying about you probably isn’t true or is just being said to hurt. There is pride and a natural want to defend myself. But honestly, it doesn’t matter if they are right or wrong. They are saying what they believe to be true and arguing won’t change their mind.

In my life, I’ve found that when I do argue, I get more entrenched in what I believe and so does the other person. There is no openness to the other side. I’m not going to change their mind and the argument or gossip is just going to continue. It gives what the other person says power over me. It’s also hard because it means I not to care what others think, and to have enough faith in my own self that I cannot let what others say get to me. So, I say yes and agree to what they say, since I don’t believe that arguing with accomplish anything.

But a trick to help make this a little easier for me to do, I know that people’s thoughts and opinions even if they are about me, are more about themselves than me anyway. I also have a goal to interact with people as open as I possibly can, and that motivates me to avoid arguments. And honestly, I’m terrible at arguments. I get way too emotional and tend to lose my ability to communicate well. So, I would rather defuse arguments than be in them. So, Say Yes is a tool I use to stop arguments.

I have also used Say Yes to stop someone from making fun of me. When I was younger, I would get so frustrated when people would tease and make fun of me. It would encourage them to do it more. Like I said, when I get upset or frustrated, I lose my ability to speak well and I also turn bright red. It’s quite the scene. So, people would try to get reactions out of me, because I would react so badly. But finally, I learned if I don’t get defensive and just agree and say yes, it takes their power away. They no longer get the desired reaction out of me.

This still is hard. It means being comfortable in who I am that I don’t have to defend myself against being made fun of. It means that I don’t care what they say about me and how they are making fun of me. But honestly, when someone is making fun of me, it’s more about them and not me. They can believe what they want.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to take shit. I believe in boundaries and work towards setting healthy ones. But Say Yes, helps me set boundaries with toxic people. It gives me a chance to get away from those who would argue or talk badly about me. And once I’m away, I have full power to cut that drama out of my life. I no longer have to interact. Or if the person is worth keeping in my life, I can then try to approach that person in way that is more of a discussion and conversation than an argument. It allows me to de-escalate situations so I don’t say something I might regret later with people I care about. So, I’m a big believer in Say Yes!

Song Lyrics Part 2 – I see you

October 8, 2019

I did write my first song lyrics and sent them to my friend, Justin. Hopefully, he’ll be able to compose something for the verse. But I wanted to show that I faced that fear of “Oh, you can’t do that”! I did. I’m not sure if it is really a song, but I do like the words.  Here it is:

I see you
Everyday
Walking down the sidewalk
Invisible 

The crowd passes by
Consumed in their own thoughts
Looking past you
or staring at their phone

In a hurry going somewhere
In a hurry going nowhere
Standing on the side
Watching them go by

I see you
Everyday
Walking down the sidewalk
Invisible

You are not alone
I walk these sidewalks
On my own
Wanting to see

Too much distraction
Eyes heavy with the burden
of the life
they walk to and from

I see you
Everyday
Walking down the sidewalk
Invisible

I see it in your eyes
You want to stop them
Ask them to see you
And not just walk on by

But this world is no longer lived on the streets
Neighbors don’t know each other
The weirds looks they give you
When you say hi as you pass by

I see you
Everyday
Walking down the sidewalk
Invisible

You’ve caught my attention
I don’t want to walk alone
Come along with me
Side by side

There is a world
I want to see
When I look into
Your eyes 

 

The 24th of September

October 3, 2019

The whistle was blown; the race began
A sunrise on a crisp autumn day; a new beginning
Love was a waterfall crashing down; the story of my life
A longing from the bottom of my soul; unwanted comfort
I was left behind; wasteful

The dream took me home; wellness took hold
Gravity held me to the earth; the magic came from my soul
It was not time to release my power; the only gift I had left to give
Grew roots to the earth; took up space without shame
I was left behind; grateful

 

Song Lyrics

September 24, 2019

How often has someone asked you to do something, and you immediately thought, “I can’t do that!”

Or have you watched someone do something you admire but cannot even imagine yourself doing it?

Well, I recently did that to myself. My friend, Justin, asked me to write song lyrics so he could write music to it. Justin is a classically trained Oboist and English Horn player who plays for the Ballet West Symphony as well as an all-around music fanatic. So yeah, he’s a bit intimidating when it comes to music even though he’d never mean to be intimidating. He’s just damn good at what he does.

My immediate thought was, “No, I can’t do that!” Yes, I write poetry, but it tends to be prose poetry without rhyme or rhythm. And as much as I love music and listen to it constantly, I’m not very musical. I can’t sing. Yes, I know I do karaoke all the time, but I can’t keep a tune for the life of me. I just know how to commit to the performance. I don’t play any instruments. I can’t read music. And when I dance, I dance to my own beat. So, yeah, my reaction was no I can’t write song lyrics. But the damn question stuck with me.

Since Justin asked me to write lyrics, I’ve been listening closer to my favorite songs trying to see why I love the lyrics so much. To hear how they are crafted. I’ve noticed myself listening to the rhythm of the words more. I thought about what I might write about and tried to immediately deem what I typically write about not good song material. But then I listened to songs about love, about family, about friendship, about nature, about life, and thought, “Well, maybe?” I mean there are songs with great lyrics and there are songs with super cheesy lyrics.

What would it hurt if I tried to write song lyrics? What if my lack of musical talent or skill had no bearing on my ability to write lyrics? What if my love of words is enough?

I know trying new things is hard, but I also know it is good for me and my soul. I know that the hater voice in my head will try to put expectations on how I write, even though I’m only a beginner. I know this is outside my comfort zone and skill set. But should I let that stop me? I mean, Justin did see something in my poetry that led him to ask me to write lyrics. Maybe, I’m missing something about myself that I’m blind to see.

So, I’m going to ignore that voice that says, “I can’t write song lyrics.” It’s time for me to write and see what I can do and what I can grow into. It’s time to question myself when I think, “No, I can’t do that.” Because what if I actually can, and it’s just me and the damn thought that I can’t that is stopping me. It’s time to gather up my courage and try something new knowing I’m a little afraid that I will fail, but it’s also okay if I do. That’s me being totally human. It’s better to try and fail then to never try at all.