Utah’s Big 5

Watch my reading of Utah’s Big 5 at the Talent Salad at the Ogden Comedy Loft. Thanks to Matt Tse for recording!

I’m a little obsessed with Utah’s public lands. Some of the world’s most magnificent geologic wonders exist within the boundaries of this state. There are politicians here who don’t understand the wonder of these lands. All they see is the possibility for a quick profit. From the geologic record preserved in the sandstone to the living history from Ancestral Puebloans to Fremont and Anasazi Indians to Ute, Piute, and Navajo tribes to Spanish explores to white fur traders to Mormon settlers. These formations have stories to share from many millennia. The value can’t be defined in mined dollars or drilled black gold. The politicians don’t understand what the earth has given birth to here. I love these lands. My nature is their nature. My love letter to Utah’s Big 5.

Gentle hands stroke my Delicate Arch as you find the right spot.
Dark Angel come to my Devil’s Garden and play with immortal desire.
Make my Spires rise into the depth of night.
Let the heat build in my Red Rock celestial kingdom.
Oh, Earth, your Thrust tickles my delight.
Rise Sandstone from deep within
As your Uplift brings forth my Salt Domes
Oh, the pressure, oh the heat! Explode my Fiery Furnace with all of your might.

I chase deep into your Canyonlands
I prowl the River arteries of your heart.
Let me join with you in the Confluence of our Green need.
I know this is not a safe ride.
Your Raging Rapids turn me up inside.
It’s not a game either as I find my way through your Maze.
Please take your time as you ride along my White Rim. Come home to me!
And let the Meteorite of your love explode into my Upheaval Dome.

There are no Barriers to our love.
but your Reef does stop me in my tracks.
Slither along the curves and wrinkles of my Waterpocket Fold.
Erect Cathedrals that reach to the heavens to celebrate this love.
Oh Wayne, your Wonderland makes me moan.

Peakaboo, I see you, my love!
As I Switch Back deep into your recesses.
Not a canyon that the river of our love rushes through
but an Amphitheater where the curtains rise to your performance of love.
My spires swell up to the Rainbow’s Point
Where my love casts voodoo on your Hoodoo!

Your love Tunnels straight into my heart.
Oh you get me so hot!
Whoops! There went my Flash Flood
Straight into your Virgin River
God, don’t get distracted by Angel’s Landing.
Ride Kolob straight into my Narrows
And erect the Subway of our love.

Maybe our politicians are right. Maybe we do have a porn problem. They’d rather have Utah fucked by industry than celebrate nature’s psalms.