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A different path

Crellim's avatar Crellim January 11, 2016

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I read an article that says our success is dependent only on what we can do for others.
I’m only good at my job if I can produce the work they need. I’m only good at my friendships if I can give them the support they need. I’m only good at love if I can fulfill my lover’s needs.

It doesn’t matter if I’m a loving, moral, kind person.
It doesn’t matter if I treat you with respect or love you.
All that matters is what I can give you.

This makes me so sad.
Our intrinsic value is twisted completely into our product, our production.
Capitalism takes over our souls so all that is left is commodity.
This is not a path I want to follow.

A successful relationship is dependent on what I can give and not how I love.
I don’t see how my soul can be sustained.
I’ve walked this path before – great at producing for my job and all the material things in my life
I produced and produced until I was at death’s door.

I’m going to go a different way.
If focusing on being kind and loving in my relationships with others and myself
Keeps me from fitting into this capitalist society
So be it. I’ll be strange. I don’t want to fit in.

I don’t believe in any religion, but I believe in love.
I believe that God is love.
In moments where I focus on kindness and love in relationships without requiring a product produced,
those are the moments I find God.

I hope you won’t be afraid to enter into relationship with me
Explore love and let go of everything that we produce
To find ourselves on a different path.

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  • Poetry

Van Gogh

Crellim's avatar Crellim December 16, 2015

IMG_3642I look, but I’m not sure I see
The outer surface, the temporal illusion
I want to see more, to see the atomic layer
But I don’t know how to love enough

To see each atom and how each atom moves to become you
To let my eyes and soul absorb your energy
So I can view you more clearly
But I don’t know how to love enough

Van Gogh didn’t paint sunflowers, cherry trees, and night skies
He painted love. He could see all the way to the soul.
He saw the atoms dance in those sunflowers, trees, and skies.
Van Gogh knew how to love. But I don’t know how to love enough

I try to look, to see, to connect, to understand
What I create is childlike, lacking depth and emotion
My love is still in its infancy, simple and plain
When I look at Van Gogh’s painting, I know there is more
I want to learn how to love enough

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  • Painting

Original Crellim Inspirational Doodles now featured on gift certificates at the Bickering Sisters

Crellim's avatar Crellim October 6, 2015

Moving back to Ogden has provided the opportunity for me to explore my creative side, like I was hoping. It’s amazing how following a new dream opens up new possibilities and I’m in awe of the paths that are being laid out before me.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong, and I’m part of a community. That’s why I fell in love with Ogden. The people here are open and not pretentious. They aren’t afraid of liking things that are cute and corny. If it resonates, then they appreciate the work. My doodles are very childlike. It’s partly because I’m still working on my skills, but it is also because I’m trying to keep the simple, kind, loving, and playful aspects of a child in my art. Luckily, there are others here who appreciate those same values.

In July, I started a project to doodle and share inspirational notes. Each day, I would draw an inspirational note based on whatever inspired me that day. I then needed to give the note away to inspire someone else. It was also about creating something I could just let go out into the world. I was dedicated to the task of creating the notes each day, but I wasn’t always good about giving them away. Even though there are many who would doubt my shyness, I am not good at talking to people I don’t know. So I’m not very good at approaching people and giving them one of my doodles. Most of the time, I stuck them in with tips so I didn’t have to talk to the person I was giving the card.

This is very true of the inspirational note I left with my tip at the Bickering Sisters. My mom and I went to the Ogden Farmers Market on a very warm Saturday. As we were returning to the car, my mom rested in the shade for a moment on a bench outside of the Bickering Sisters. We didn’t know about this new restaurant on Grant near the corner of 25th street, but they noticed us resting in the shade. They brought out water for my Luna Lovegood rescue pup, which sold me on trying the restaurant. Mom and I were both hungry, so we went in. Let me tell you, I was in love with this restaurant at first bite!

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I had the pesto pasta with an over-easy egg on top. The pesto flavoring was perfect and not greasy, and the egg made it super rich and creamy. Pesto is my favorite pasta dish, and this pesto is the best I’ve had in Utah. The food is so fantastic at the Bickering Sisters, I’ve become a regular. However, on this first visit, I was so impressed with the food and the service, I left one of my inspirational notes with the tip.

Like the rest of the inspirational doodles I’ve given out, I had expected nothing in return but hoped it would bring a smile. However, this note did not lead to a dead end. A few weeks later, Mom and I returned to the Bickering Sisters to enjoy another lunch. Karen Larrabee served us again and said that her sister, Susan, who was in the kitchen creating the incredible dishes they served, loved my inspirational note and wanted to talk to me. I guess that teaches me I’m not invisible when I stick these notes in with tips J

Susan came out and said she loved the note so much that she would love for me to doodle a few gift cards for the Bickering Sisters. People would not receive a standard gift certificate, but a doodle that made their day a little brighter and they could keep long after enjoying their tasty meal at the restaurant.

After working on several doodles I used for my createdaily project, Susan picked out 5 doodles she liked best to use for the gift certificates. They all focused on connection – to self, to food, to nature, and to others which I found represented the experience of eating at the Bickering Sisters.

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For a fantastic meal, you won’t be disappointed at the Bickering Sisters. And if you need a special gift to provide a little inspiration for someone dear, buy a gift certificate with one of these original Crellim doodles.

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  • Photography

Across America – My First Photography Exhibit

Crellim's avatar Crellim March 14, 2015

In my first planning dreams of my Cross-Country Adventure, I had a wish that a fabulous way to wrap up the journey was with a photo exhibit. Last weekend, that wish came true with my first photography exhibit – Across America at my favorite San Francisco cafe, Contraband.

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One of the many goals of my roadtrip was to connect back to my creative self Writing this blog and taking photos were the two main ways I did. My love of photography started back in college but I gave it up because I hated the post-processing. The chemical smells made me sick. Digital photography allowed me to go after my love photography again. In 2008, I finally purchased a DSLR and really started to pursue my hobby. Then I used photography to connect several other interests of mine together – wandering, hiking, urban landscapes, and street art collided in my images. So my developed style today is a street and urban photographer.

My photography philosophy is to use small unobtrusive cameras to get close, pay attention to the light, focus on composition, and get the shot in the camera with minimal post production. My preferred cameras are my iPhone and a Panasonic Lumix DMC – LX7, so simple, almost invisible, light and easy to carry, and no interchangeable lenses. Yes, I lose some control and flexibility over the images I’m creating, but in honor of the history of street photography, I keep it simple. This philosophy followed me right along on the road trip and influenced most of the images I shot, even when I was not shooting urban environments.

For my first exhibit, I picked out 24 images shot in this style that covered some of my favorite roads, architecture, bridges, cemeteries, windows, and street art from Across America. These are the images selected for the show http://crellim.smugmug.com/keyword/cband/.

I’m selling the framed images for $75 each at the exhibit. I don’t have an online store set up yet, which is one of my next projects. However, I don’t want to keep you from buying a photo if you are interested in my photography, just message me on this blog and we can work out the details. 🙂

Okay, enough of the business, let’s get back to the fun of the exhibit.  After being gone for just over a month, I made my return to San Francisco to set up and open Across America. Thank goodness for me, that I have some amazing friends who came on a Friday night to set up the exhibit. I wouldn’t been able to set the show without Molly, Bonnie, and Thu!

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Contraband has a super nice frame hanging system so you don’t have to use nails to hang art. It hangs wires from the celling that can be moved to align the images. However, Contraband does not have a ladder, and I was definitely not tall enough to deal with hanging system. Plus, I was terrified about climbing up on chairs to hang the photos. Luckily Molly and Bonnie were not afraid, and they hung the entire show and made it look great. I felt guilty they did all the work, but was so grateful I didn’t have to climb.

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Thu also saved the show! Three frames were destroyed in transit and she went to Michaels to get new frames for me, so I didn’t have to worry about that. Then I had to trim some of the 12×12 photos to fit into the frames that claimed to be 12×12 as well. Thu did all the shopping and went to buy the paper cutter for me. So I cannot tell you how completely grateful I am to Molly, Bonnie, and Thu. I hope they had some fun, which I can’t tell for sure from these photos 😉

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Saturday, the day of the show, I was too excited to just sit around and wait for the opening, So I did what I enjoy most. I wandered around Chinatown through the shops set up before the Chinese New Year’s Parade. Chinatown is always busy but with the New Year’s Parade later that night, there were thousands of people so it was great wandering.

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Besides my friends, I miss the San Francisco food and I have my priorities for eating when I get there. My first stop after landing was Sushi at Sanruku. The Crunch Roll is my all time favorite sushi. It is divine! The real crunch doesn’t come just from the tempura pieces, it comes from the medium size roe in the middle. I love it! Yes, I know I can still get fantastic sushi in Ogden at Tona, for which I am happy, but the crunch roll is a special gift from heaven. After wandering around Chinatown, I met Molly for lunch for Ramen. I’ve not found Ramen in Ogden or even Utah for that matter, so yes it is a San Francisco treat. Ramen Underground had always been one of my favorites, but it had been getting mixed reviews lately. Luckily, it did not disappoint. The broiled egg was perfection. I also went to my very favorite restaurant from my old neighborhood, Co Nam. I used to eat there almost every Friday night. Even though they were busy since it was Friday after we’d set up the show, they still made room for Molly, Thu, and I. The still like me even though I left 🙂 Unfortunately, no photos from this meal since it was too dark, but all I will say is GARLIC NOODLES!

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I’d tell you even more about the food, but this blog is about my exhibit and not what I ate. I get so distracted at times! So after the Ramen, I headed to Trader Joes to get some treats for my exhibit opening later that night. Oh yes, I went all out for the exhibit. I had an artist statement, I’d been posting to social media to promote it, and did the full exhibit opening with wine and cookies. I was not half-assing my first exhibit!

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I won’t keep you waiting any longer. The show was a success. Rebecca who had to work at Contraband during the opening made a roadtrip playlist to set the mood for the opening. Super Bon Bon (Bonnie2) who manages Contraband stayed late to enjoy the show. Thu, Molly, and Bonnie1 weren’t too worn out from the setup and made it for the opening. Other Contraband regulars, Teddy, Josh, Bill, and Cricket all joined us as well. My dear work friends Linda, Ben, Brian, and Miyoung made the show. And special surprises included work colleagues that I had not seen in while who came to support the show, Mark and Mario.

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I admit it’s intimidating to share my art with the world. I feel like I’m giving a secret glimpse into how I see. But everyone was so supportive and kind about my art. Nathan who owns Contraband was super supportive by letting me show my exhibit, and I really hope I honored that gift with the images I exhibited. I don’t have the best words to express how grateful I am to have my first photography exhibit and how completely giddy I am about it. One of the odd things I kept thinking about San Francisco is that it is consider not cool to be too excited or too emotional about things. Just play it cool. I couldn’t contain my excitement, so I was as far from cool as could be in that wonderful city and I was perfectly happy with it 🙂

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So after the show, I stayed in town on Sunday because it was too damn expensive to fly home until Monday and I got more time to see my friends. I was supposed to treat it like a recovery day and keep it mellow. However, I met up with Teddy instead and had the best tour of Chinatown dive bars! Even though I walked through Chinatown daily when I lived in San Francisco, I never went to any of the bars. It was fabulous and I absolutely loved my Buddha beer! Later, we met up with Molly and went to a fantastic Korean restaurant, 707 Sutter, and I ate my first kimchi pancake. Yummy! Then we closed out the night at one of my favorite local bars, Bacchus Kirk. And for the first time in all my years of living in the Bay Area, I stayed out past last call!

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Opening my first photography exhibit was the experience of a lifetime. I loved it and I had an incredible weekend to make the opening even more special. I’m so grateful to all my friends and supporters, because this show would not have happened with out you! The exhibit will be on display until Friday, April 5. So if you are in the Bay Area, you still have a chance to go see it 🙂

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  • Poetry

Bag People

Crellim's avatar Crellim March 7, 2015

Bag People, we are.

No longer contained to our physical being.
Some carry one, some carry two, others carry more, but hardly any carry none.
Leather, canvas, fabric, and plastic in all shapes and colors
Walk the Bag People down the city streets, clinging tightly to our treasures 
Papers, phones, books, computers, and pills all crammed in. 
No longer satisfied with just what’s within

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  • Poetry

Theory of Me

Crellim's avatar Crellim March 3, 2015

My brain is flat and all the planets and Sun revolve around it.

Out-dated science seems to be embedded deep.
It’s time to go Darwin on my ass and evolve.
I’ll take the USS Enterprise to explore my Universe, 
To discover that I’m really on infinite loop. 
And very happy to not be an imaginary number!

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  • Thoughts

New Routines to Find My Creative Flow

Crellim's avatar Crellim March 2, 2015

Wow, it’s already March, but I’m going to talk about new year resolutions.  I don’t do them. I think when it’s time to make a change; it’s time to make a change, regardless of the day of the year. But this year, I ended up adding some new routines to help me through the transition into my next life adventure. The timing perfectly aligned with the New Year.

First, I started reading the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. The first assignment in her program to unlocking your blocked creativity is writing daily pages. Now, I’ve always been crappy at journaling. I’ve tend to start a journal and then stop after a few days when I get lazy or can’t force myself to think of something to write. I’ve heard of the benefit of journaling but it was never enough to motivate me to do it. But this time has been very different. The rules of the daily pages are to write 3 pages of whatever is on my mind. No censoring, no editing, no worrying, no perfection, and no grammar editor whispering in my head. Just let it flow. And if I can’t think of anything to write, I must write. I am writing my 3 pages of morning pages until I find something to write.

Honestly, I’ve had no issue whatsoever finding the words to write. I just dump out everything that is swirling around in my head, and many times that quiet negative-nelly voice hits the page as well. Once the words have been written on the page, I can let them go and let my mind move on to more enjoyable and creative endeavors. These daily morning pages have become my morning meditation. The morning pages also helped me make sense of the transition I wanted to go through and come to terms with moving to Utah. These pages are cathartic and really bring clarity to my thoughts.  Yet, these are personal pages so I’m using them to unload my mind and grow my soul. (Plus, I have all those partially filled journals to use for my daily pages :))

Second, I started my Create Daily doodles (#createdaily). These are inspired by my artist friend, Molly. I even bought one of Molly’s illustrations “Make Something Every Day” to remind myself to explore my creativity every day.

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I use these doodles to learn how to draw new things and see what ideas are lurking in my brain. They don’t have to look finished or perfect. I am free with these doodles and draw whatever I’m thinking or feeling. Sometimes I’m also try to figure out a shape or form for one of my paintings. But there are no rules to what I draw and no worries about the end result. I do share these doodles because they show the world how I’m starting to explore my creativity. Plus, the doodles make me happy and I want to share the joy. These are a few of my create daily doodles I’ve posted to Instagram to share with the world.

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So, since the New Year, I’ve started two new routines that clear my mind and help me explore my creativity. I thought I would have even more time for my creative work when I moved to Utah, but getting settled and starting to work again has definitely taken up some of the hours of my day. But I’m not in a hurry, and the paintings and writings I’m planning will all come to fruition as my journey continues. I’m just glad that I’ve found these daily routines that connect to my creative self since I’m not in complete control of the timeline for my life. I’m learning to go more with the flow, and my daily pages and daily doodles are key to finding that flow.

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  • Poetry

Wind Storm

Crellim's avatar Crellim March 1, 2015

The tempest has made herself known 

She calls you in with crystal blue clarity and radiant sunlight 

Her beauty blinds you to the danger as she screams down the mountain 

First, your little birdhouse loses the shingles off the roof 

Then, a tree falls and crushes the walls and the ice cold wind swirls within 

The tempest blasts your little birdhouse apart 

She knows her power and tricks you to trust her 

But all she really wants is to blow your soul apart 

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  • Thoughts

Dammit I moved home and I’m a blogger slacker!

Crellim's avatar Crellim February 21, 2015

I’ve been such a blogging slacker lately, but I really need to give myself a break. I totally went through with my plans and packed up and moved back to Utah. I’ll admit it was an emotional decision for me to make and that added to the stress of moving. But I worked through all though issues and made a huge, but incredible change in the direction of my life.

Maybe it would have made it easier to go through the change if I’d been writing publicly about it and sharing the story. But I needed that extra energy just to get everything packed up and moved in less than two weeks and then to get set up in my parents house when I made it back to Utah. I’m happy to announce that on Tuesday, I will have been back in Utah for 4 weeks and I’m starting to feel settled. That’s why I feel like I’m ready to get back to my writing, even though I’ve left you hanging for the last 6 weeks!

I’ve already shared why I came to the decision of why it was time for me to leave the Bay Area and return to my home town. But I had to deal with some emotional baggage before I could happily return. I thought a lot about if I was giving up by moving home or if I was failing because I finally decided I couldn’t make it their. But honestly moving back to Utah was never going to be giving up or failure. It was just making a change to support my new path of life. The real failure was my ego, which I had to get into check.

Ten years and a half years ago when I left Utah, I’d just finished my Master’s degree and I was ready to rebel agains all the oppressive norms I felt growing up in Utah. I wanted show that a woman could go from small city Utah and have some high-power career, where I would take care of myself, and live the fabulous city life as seen on TV. When I had my career, I felt like I was looking back at all the sexist people in Utah who expect women to just have kids and not care about their career, and telling them to shove it. I built my ego up and made myself feel better because I thought I was better than Utah. (I apologize to all my friends I love in Utah. I never thought anything bad about you. This was all about me and my ego. But I totally deserve your criticism for my small-mindedness.)

So I was going back to Utah, which for the longest time I thought I was just too damn good for. Luckily, I was able to start to see the good things about Utah. Plus, I’ve been working on myself for long enough that I can do a good battle with my ego and get it to let go of my thinking and how I define my self value. But still I admit my failure to get such a California ego that I had no problem trashing my roots and closing me off to the good things about Utah and Ogden.

I had my bestie constantly asking me if I was happy and sure I was making the right decision. I really knew moving home was the best decision. I was nervous because I was giving up all I had known for the last 10 years. Minus, the ego problem, I really did feel that I grew into myself in California. I was coming back a different person and I didn’t want to lose that. I also tend to worry when I should be focusing on the excitement about change. So happy was going to be a bit out in the distance for me.

But even with fighting my mental baggage, I did it. I moved to Utah and I couldn’t be happier. I’m starting to settle into a routine. I’ve gone back to working part time doing contract work. I’ve still got time for my creative endeavors. Yes, it’s different to live in Ogden. It definitely is not as social as the Bay Area, where people can go out most nights for food and drink. But I’ve been learning how to cook and making dinner for my parents instead of going to my regular watering hole. I also found a cafe for me to enjoy and work from, which carries on some of how I lived in California. Kaffe Mercantile has definitely treated me well. Plus, I get to see my dear friends that I had missed so much from living so far away.

So with almost a month under my belt here in Ogden, I can say I’m happy. This was absolutely the best move for me and I’m glad I found the courage to make the change. I do apologize for my Ego and being so anti-Utah for so long. But I’m here now to really discover the good things about my home town, and since I’m coming back as a new person, I hope my eyes will see things with a positive and open perspective.

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  • Poetry

Invitation

Crellim's avatar Crellim January 21, 2015

The trees are calling me.
They want my soul to mingle with theirs for awhile.
The wind carries this invite straight to my heart.
And this is the one invite I must rsvp for.
It’s the invitation to life.

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