Author: Crellim

I'm an everyday adventurer. Life is about the journey and not the destination. I'm a wanderer of the world looking for beauty in the unexpected. I share the what I find through my thoughts, poetry, and photography.

Greta Thunberg is my hero!

September 19, 2019

When I was young, I wanted to make the world a better place. I didn’t know how I, as a young person in Ogden, Utah, could make a difference. All I knew was that I had my words. So, I would do science projects on recycling and saving the earth. I would stand up and speak in class about how to protect the earth and be a champion of peace. Unfortunately, my words did not have the power to create change like I hoped. Rather, I was made fun of by my classmates.

I can remember my entire history classroom swaying side to side and making peace signs after I had discussed something regarding caring for the earth. This wasn’t done in support but rather to make fun of me. I didn’t let those kids change my beliefs, but I did let them silence me at least for a little while.

That’s why Greta Thunberg is my hero. At 16 years old, she’s doing what I wished I could back in high school. She’s using her words and her beliefs to fight for action on climate change. This week, Greta is visiting the US to speak with Congress and the UN about the climate emergency the world is facing. (Read Greta’s speech to Congress on listening to science). She has not let her classmates or critics silence her, but rather Greta is using her words to inspire action, create a movement, and drive change.

I wish my 16-year-old self could have had the impact that Greta has had, but that’s the past. Greta is inspiring me to be more like her today and take action. This climate emergency isn’t just for a political party or a few countries to solve, it is up to each of us to stand up and fight for change. It is time to get real and look at the science.

I’m not a scientist and I don’t sit in a position of power to make decisions that address climate change, but like Greta and my high school self, I have my words and there is power in my words. Following Greta’s lead, I’m using my words to fight “the biggest crisis humanity has ever faced.” (Greta Thunberg during her address to Congress).

I am joining the Climate Strike here in Ogden taking place tomorrow, September 20 at 12 noon at the Union Station to take part in the global climate strike Greta is leading. And I will use my words to help communicate the science that we need to understand the climate emergency we are facing. Every day I see reasons this world is worth fighting for, so I’m ready to use my words and my power to fight for action and change. I’m ready to follow Greta’s lead!

Write Dammit!

September 11, 2019

I feel called to write. It’s really easy for me to write things I never think I’ll share. But I struggle with writing what I do plan to share. That hater voice in my head likes to come forth and ask me what am I doing? Why would anyone care what I have to say? So, I procrastinate and waste time instead of writing. Yet, I have this feeling in my gut, I have to write. This is what I need to do. Deep down inside, I hear some voice that is starting to speak to me louder than that hater voice. I hear it say, “You have to write! This is your contribution to the world. Write about the world you want to live in and live by those words.”

Does it matter if anyone reads what I write? I have an ego like everyone else, so yes it does matter. I don’t need the whole world, and I’m grateful for those who do read my words. But the hater voice in my brain loves to mess with that need. “No one cares what you have to say. You are just stroking your ego by writing.” I admit this damn voice can really work me over, so I have to face it head on and trust that feeling deep in my gut. This is what I am supposed to do. But honestly, I would love to get to the point where I don’t care what that hater voice is saying and even don’t care what people might think about me for writing and sharing. I want to have faith in that gut feeling that this is what my soul is guiding me to do.

Also, I admit I write selfishly for me. I write to share my ideas and to connect with people. But I also write so I don’t feel alone. My life in California was one of extremely loneliness. I’ve grown a lot from that experience (I’ll save that for another blog post), but I know what it is like to feel completely alone. I don’t want to feel that way again. I also don’t want anyone else to feel that way, since it was quite soul crushing. I hope my words bring comfort to those who do feel alone, so they know I’ve experienced it too. I hope my words create connection and help others know they aren’t alone.

I’ve also learned that feeling alone and the need for connection is being human, and I am totally human. Doubting the feeling in my gut that I am supposed to write and having that hater voice is also me being human. So, I’m going to work hard on quieting that voice, but also, I’m not beat myself up for it being there. No point in beating myself up for being human! The same goes to each and every one of you!

I’m not striving for perfection or recognition with this blog either. So, I’ll share my hopes and fears, failures and successes. And this is big for me, because I really struggle with being vulnerable. But hopefully there will be connection and support for you and for me, so none of us feel alone no matter what we are going through.

So, I’m going to listen to the voice in my gut calling me to write. I’m going to face that hater voice with courage. I’m going to write. I’m going to share. I’m going to vulnerable. And I’m going to be completely human since that is all I can be.

I admit too that I had to write this confessional blog to help me face that hater voice and help get back writing. Even though I’ve heard the call to write, I’ve been procrastinating. It’s time for me to stop. Embrace what my gut is telling me who I am – a writer. So today I write. I’m posting this to my blog, which is coming along slow because of procrastination! But that changes here. I hope you’ll join me for this adventure!

Hope not sadness found watching The NeverEnding Story

September 2, 2019

The NeverEnding Story was one of my favorite movies growing up. When I saw it was playing at Brewvies for brunch on Sunday, I knew I had to go. But one of the things I noticed is that when people think about The NeverEnding Story, they mention how sad it is. I had that reaction from a few friends when I said I was going. I also see it on social media – Artax’s death is a source of much sadness. However, I find The NeverEnding Story to be one of the most inspiring and hopeful movies, and that’s why I love it so much. When I think of the state of the world with Climate Change, immigrants being locked up and children caged at our boarders, mass shootings, and other terrifying things going on in this world, I found lessons from The NeverEnding Story on how to make my way through our world with hope.

It is heartbreaking especially for a young child to see Atreyu lose his beloved horse Artax in the Swamps of Sadness. But even today, I find that scene incredibly powerful. Life has sadness. We can’t escape it. We have to walk through it and experience it. However, we have a choice to let it take a hold of us and let it eat us up or we have the choice to keep moving. Even after Atreyu loses Artax, he remains sitting on top of the swamp. He is sad and mourning his friend. He experiences sadness and he feels the pain, but that’s what it is an experience and feeling. It is not him.  It does not consume his heart. He knows he has to keep moving and keep going on.

Atreyu does start to sink in the swamps after his meeting with Morla, the ancient one, when he’s lost his hope. But he is saved by Falcor, the luck dragon. It always helps to have a little luck, but for me I’m more likely to believe in magic than I am in luck. So, I don’t think that it is luck that saves Atreyu and gets him through to the Southern Oracle. I’ve always liked the quote “luck is when preparation meets opportunity,” from Senaca, which is partly what is going on with Falcor. But more importantly, the message is that we can’t do this journey alone. We need our friends and support systems to help us through hard times in life. Also, the message is that we are never actually alone. When Atreyu felt the most alone in life, that’s when Falcor came through. Often in my life, when I feel the most alone, it’s a feeling I’ve created in my own head. I’m not actually alone, I’ve just blinded myself to all the support and love I have. I’m so grateful for the Falcor’s that have come along in my life to remind me I’m not alone.

Falcor has another powerful lesson in the movie. He isn’t prone to doubt or worry. He believes in Atreyu and that Atreyu is completely capable of the task he must complete. Falcor knows that Atreyu has been tasked with saving Fantasia. Even though this seems like an impossible task, Falcor believes that everything will work out. He has hope and never loses it. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to. It can be easy to let the fear and doubt that things are only getting worse and that there is nothing we can do. Fear and doubt can be cripple believing that change is possible. Fear and doubt can make us stuck. But faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to, creates hope and allows us to keep moving.

I’m not saying that facing the challenges of our world aren’t scary, because they absolutely are. The challenges that Atreyu faces is The NeverEnding Story are absolutely frightening as well. Look at the challenges at the Southern Oracle. The first gate to the Southern Gate only allowed those who know their own worth to pass. A fancy knight is killed trying to pass. Atreyu who does know his worth, but face with possible death starts to doubt. It looks like the gates are going to kill him for it, but instead he runs. Knowing your value, doesn’t mean you’re the best or the greatest. It’s knowing we are worthy of this adventure called life. We are worthy of the challenges ahead of us. It’s also okay to doubt ourselves as well. It happens. Life throws some pretty scary challenges our way that we can’t see how we are going to make it through. Atreyu did have doubts and was afraid the gate responded. But he didn’t let the fear and doubt make him freeze. He ran and dived passed the gates. He demonstrated the great quote from Mark Twain, “Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.” This is a powerful life lesson I’ve been working to embrace – even when I’m afraid I’m not enough, I’ve got to keep going.

Bastian’s role in The NeverEnding Story has two extremely powerful lessons for living in the world today. The first – He is part of the story. I am part of the story. You are part of the story. Not only was Bastian part of the story. It was his action that saves Fantasia. For most of the movie, we see him doubting his role and what he was supposed to do. But in the end, he knows that he is part of the story. With the constant bombardment of what is going on in the world, it’s easy to shut down and disconnect from it. This sentiment can be seen in attitudes like -it’s not happening to me, someone else is dealing with it, my life is enough and I can’t handle anymore, or even complete denial. But the truth is, I am part of the story and you are part of the story. Accepting that I am part of the story gives me the power to act.

The second lesson from Bastian’s role is that we get to create the world we live in. After Fantasia is lost to the Nothing except one grain of sand, Bastian gets to imagine Fantasia back into existence. I admit, I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about what’s wrong with this world. But there is power imagining the world as the world I want to live in. The way I wish it was – healthy, supportive, loving, connected. For change to happen, we do have to imagine different possibilities. I find that incredibly inspiring – through my dreams and imagination, I can create change by living towards my dream world.

Yes, The NeverEnding Story is one of my favorite movies from childhood, but I found so much inspiration watching it again yesterday. I’d recommend taking a rest from the world around you and let The NeverEnding Story bring some inspiration to you as well.

Rumble

August 20, 2019

“Are you readyyyyy to ruuuuummmmble!”
I bump my fists with my formidable opponent and wait for the bell to ding.
Time slows to a still.
Breathe dammit. Focus! Stay in this moment!

My heart jumps and my ears reverberate! DONG!
I can’t hear anything but the roar of my pulse.
My face turns so red and sweat flows in beads down my face.

I shuffle my feet
I dodge and bob and hope to evade
The blows that are about to land

I keep my fists up
I don’t try to punch
When asked after the round
“What happened?”
I say that I froze.

The truth is, I didn’t freeze
When that bell rung
The fight in me was gone

FADE TO BLACK – “By TKO, in the red shorts, Vulnerability wins!”

The blood travels back to my heart
Hearing returns to my ears

Suddenly, my life goes on fast forward
Like an old VHS tape
Until it stops in the present.

I sit flat on my ass
Legs sprawled in a V
Out in front of me

My head throbs
Blood drips from my nose
Family and friends gather around

I see their worried faces
Wondering what damage was done
I jump to my feet and scream
“I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.”

Their faces grow concerned.
My Mom, my manager
Grabs me by the shoulders
“Are you okay?”

I smile. I laugh.
“Ya, I’m fine.”
I needed that punch and knocked off my feet.
I needed the discomfort so I would not be the same

In the spotlight
In front of the audience
Or looking in the mirror
Right before the fight begins

I show off all that is good
I bask in the sunshine
I’m not afraid to step in the ring
If I’m not afraid of what will be exposed

I saw my opponent. I knew what I was about to battle.
I had to face my fear. Afraid to show how I feel.
Terrified of rejection if I am vulnerable
With not just the good, but the bad and the ugly as well.

I saw the only way for me to win
Was for my vulnerability to throw the punch
I dropped my arms and didn’t fight
To put my soul on display in the ring for all to see

I woke up on the other side of the 10 count
Terrified I would be alone
But no one had left
They were all by my side

It’s for the best vulnerability won
I’m sure the next fight is already being scheduled
But I’m hoping the next match won’t be so bad
Since I survived this round

Right Place, Right Time, Right Moment

August 19, 2019

I find inspiration in a lot of things I see and read, but I often have to write about those ideas for me to completely understand them myself. So I’m going to start sharing what I find inspiring, and then share what I’ve come to understand about it as well.

Today, I read this fantastic poem written by Charlie Chaplin “Love Myself Poem”. The stanza that really struck me was:

“As I began to love myself
I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time,
and everything happens at the exactly right moment.
So I could be calm.
Today I call this Self-Confidence.”

I’ve heard this before – “You are exactly where you are meant to be.” Let me tell you, when I was in a place in my life where I did not want to be, this was something I did NOT wanted to hear. To avoid how unhappy I was with my life, I’d daydream about my life being different in ways I’d hope it could be. I did this often when I lived in California, when I worked all the time. I would rage against my current situation and long for it to be different, but I’d remain actionless. I’d get stuck in the thought – I want to change, but I don’t know how.

I’ve been through a lot since those days, and I’ve grown significantly more comfortable in my own skin. So I see these words “I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment.” differently now and probably more inline with what Charlie Chaplin intended.

In the past, I wanted to rebel against this idea. I wanted to blame the universe for where I was at. I wanted everything to be different and I felt like I was saddled with this life without a clue on how to change. So, screw this is exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment.

The truth is that I’d take that so called hope of different life that I created in my head, and compare it to compare it to what I thought was my actual life. It would make me feel like my life was lacking. I’d be so focused on that lack, I couldn’t see what my life actually was. I missed the moment and all the things I had to appriciate in my life. Constantly comparing my life to some idea I had, kept me from completely living that moment. It kept me from seeing that I have agency in my life and I can chose how to live it. The daydream of a different life was robbing me of living in the moment.

I have to admit, the line “everything happens at the exactly right moment” was still hard for me to swallow this morning when I read this poem. However, the more I digest the idea, the more it makes sense. The reason I bristled against the idea is that I felt like it sounded like our lives our fated and what will happen to us is due to some predetermined destiny, which I don’t agree with. However, after thinking about it for a bit, I don’t think that is what Charlie Chaplin meant. Rather, if I can live completely in this moment and know that it is in this moment that I can chose how to live, then that moment will be completely right for me. Getting lost in the past or hoping for some future is a distraction that keeps me from living.

However, even looking at my own life, I can see examples of how life provided exactly what I needed in the moment. I always have hunderds of ideas of things I’d like to do swirling around in my head. If I try to force an idea, it usually doesn’t happen. I even find myself rebelling against it or procrastinating doing it. For the ideas that do become reality, it’s like everything in that exact moment aligned correctly for it to happen. I had the tools, the ability, the time, the energy, the money, the support, and everything else that was needed to make the idea happen.

It just happened with my trip to Montana and Idaho. I’ve wanted to go back to Glacier since my first visit 5 years ago and the Going to the Sun road was closed due to an early snowstorm. If I had tried to plan the trip I just took, I would have found lots of reasons for it not to happen. Instead the thought came a few days before we left, what if I go to Glacier this week. Instantly, it came together without. It was the exactly the right moment for me to go back to Glacier.

I admit, I don’t stay in the moment as much as I’d like. I still daydream about different possiblities of my life. Hell, I am human. I make lots of mistakes. I hurt myself often, but I totally see the power of understanding “I’m in the right place at the right time and everything happens at the exactly right moment.”

As I was journaling about this idea, this is how I put the idea into my own words – In life, we only have this one moment we are currently living. The past is gone and the future is not promised. This moment is the only one I am guaranteed, so don’t waste it by wishing it could somehow be different. Enjoy this moment, accept this moment for exactly what it is, and be grateful I have this moment to live. I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this exact moment. In accepting this gift, I am able to live completely.

 

Utah’s Big 5

August 15, 2018

Watch my reading of Utah’s Big 5 at the Talent Salad at the Ogden Comedy Loft. Thanks to Matt Tse for recording!

I’m a little obsessed with Utah’s public lands. Some of the world’s most magnificent geologic wonders exist within the boundaries of this state. There are politicians here who don’t understand the wonder of these lands. All they see is the possibility for a quick profit. From the geologic record preserved in the sandstone to the living history from Ancestral Puebloans to Fremont and Anasazi Indians to Ute, Piute, and Navajo tribes to Spanish explores to white fur traders to Mormon settlers. These formations have stories to share from many millennia. The value can’t be defined in mined dollars or drilled black gold. The politicians don’t understand what the earth has given birth to here. I love these lands. My nature is their nature. My love letter to Utah’s Big 5.

Gentle hands stroke my Delicate Arch as you find the right spot.
Dark Angel come to my Devil’s Garden and play with immortal desire.
Make my Spires rise into the depth of night.
Let the heat build in my Red Rock celestial kingdom.
Oh, Earth, your Thrust tickles my delight.
Rise Sandstone from deep within
As your Uplift brings forth my Salt Domes
Oh, the pressure, oh the heat! Explode my Fiery Furnace with all of your might.

I chase deep into your Canyonlands
I prowl the River arteries of your heart.
Let me join with you in the Confluence of our Green need.
I know this is not a safe ride.
Your Raging Rapids turn me up inside.
It’s not a game either as I find my way through your Maze.
Please take your time as you ride along my White Rim. Come home to me!
And let the Meteorite of your love explode into my Upheaval Dome.

There are no Barriers to our love.
but your Reef does stop me in my tracks.
Slither along the curves and wrinkles of my Waterpocket Fold.
Erect Cathedrals that reach to the heavens to celebrate this love.
Oh Wayne, your Wonderland makes me moan.

Peakaboo, I see you, my love!
As I Switch Back deep into your recesses.
Not a canyon that the river of our love rushes through
but an Amphitheater where the curtains rise to your performance of love.
My spires swell up to the Rainbow’s Point
Where my love casts voodoo on your Hoodoo!

Your love Tunnels straight into my heart.
Oh you get me so hot!
Whoops! There went my Flash Flood
Straight into your Virgin River
God, don’t get distracted by Angel’s Landing.
Ride Kolob straight into my Narrows
And erect the Subway of our love.

Maybe our politicians are right. Maybe we do have a porn problem. They’d rather have Utah fucked by industry than celebrate nature’s psalms.

 

Memories of Ennis

August 7, 2018

In July, I had the opportunity to go on an epic road trip to the Sip ‘n Dip bar in Great Falls, Montana for my friend, Sarah’s 40thbirthday. The journey took us through Ennis, Montana, which is one of my favorite small towns in Montana. The drive to Ennis from Ogden, Utah is only 4.5 hours away but it took us almost 10 hours to get there, which is a sign of doing the road trip right. The road trip was a caravan of my practical Toyota 4 Runner with Sarah, Jenny, Melissa, and I as passengers, and Jessica’s fabulous 1961 Pink Cadillac with her, Shell, and Kendra as passengers.

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We stopped in Malad, Idaho for a bathroom break that also included Burger King Whoopers and all of us wearing crowns. We continued on to Idaho Falls, to check out the very cool waterfall that runs right through the middle of town. Then we made it to the Frosted Top in Ashton, ID for burgers and tator tots from this classic roadside drive-in. Finally, we had to chase one more waterfall and visited Mesa Falls outside of Ashton before heading to Ennis.

The car ride was filled with stories and laughter and lots of songs to sing along with. I brought a party game with question to help get to know your girlfriends, which spurred a lot of conversation. The road trip was definitely bringing us closer together as friends. Plus, since this road trip was for Sarah’s birthday, it was a celebration of life.

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We quickly check into our hotel in Ennis, and then everyone hopped into the pink Cadillac to drive down to the two block main street lined with shops and bars. Our first stop was to Willie’s Distillery to sample the local whiskey. Then we headed to the Silver Dollar Bar to refill our drinks. We ended up hanging the whole evening at this bar talking to some motorcycle riders who were also from Ogden, dancing to the music, and eating these incredible breaded mac&cheese wedges they warmed up in a toaster oven. A group of 40+ year old women running the streets of Ennis, in laughter, a bit inebriated, and celebrating life, I’m sure was quite a sight to see.

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Then next morning, the morning of July 23rd, we were eating breakfast in the Stockman’s Bar. I check my phone while eating. Facebook memories displays the pictures I took of the Madison River from 4 years earlier. The surprise that my presence in Ennis at the same time 4 years apart took my breath away. My life today is completely different from what I left behind in California.

July 2014, I had barely moved to Oakland from San Francisco that June. My job was changing, and I wasn’t happy with how it was going. I knew my life needed to change, but I wasn’t sure how or what I needed to change. I decided to go to Utah to visit my family and friends, and then go fishing in Montana with my Dad, so I could take a break from the confusion of my life.

My work year prior, I had spent 75% of my time travelling internationally to train other teams on how to use the Event Content Management System. I was constantly tired and stressed. However, as 2014 continued, my manager had moved to another team and the new management of the team didn’t understand what I did. I was given less and less responsibilities. For the first time in my working career, I had time and I was going to use it to go on vacation.

Little did I know that vacation was going to be the start of everything. It was the flutter of the butterfly’s wings that creates a hurricane 6 months later on the other side of the globe. Overall, it was a normal vacation. I had fun hanging out with friends. I went to see one of my favorite bands, TV on the Radio, at Salt Lake Twilight with Melissa. Then my Dad and I went to one of our favorite fishing spots, the Madison River directly below the Hebgen Lake damn. We camped in the National Forest camping ground direct across the street of the river. The mornings and afternoons were spent fly fishing to catch the Madison River’s famous trout.

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I love fly fishing. I love the rhythm of the casting. I love being at the river’s edge. I love the sound of the roaring water. I love watching the ecosystem team with life. I’m good at casting, but I’m really not good catching fish. Honestly, I would rather cast than catch. I’d go fishing with my dad for an hour or so and my arms would get tired from casting, so I’d start wandering around taking pictures and thinking about the world around me. I watched a bald eagle that was nested in the trees across the river, dive down and grab I snake. I could see the wiggly body of the snake hanging from the talons of the eagle as it returned to its nest. I listened to wind through the trees. It was so calming.

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When the day would get hotter, Dad and I would head out on an adventure. We drove north to Ennis, which was an adorable town with a one block main street with historic buildings filled with tourist shops, bars, a drug store and soda fountain, and a whiskey distillery. Whiskey is and was my preferred fire water, so a stop at Willie’s Distillery was a must. I walked away with a bottle of Big Horn Whiskey to use as a camp sleep aide. The town left its mark. I always wanted to return. But I never would have predicted how that return would be.

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The campground did not have cell reception, so it was on these daily outings that I would be able to get phone reception. We were driving down a fur-tree lined road when my colleague Linda called me. Linda and I both worked on the system-side of events, and she is who I worked the most closely with my entire career at SAP. Linda had received the call from our new boss, Frank, that she was being laid off. She would have another month to find a new job within SAP, and receive a severance package. I felt terrible for Linda, but honestly knew that if Linda was being laid off, so was I. I started to think about what I was going to do if I was also laid off when I returned to work the next week. All I could think was, I’m going on a road trip across the US.

Well, the vacation came to an end, and I returned to my apartment in Oakland to go back to the confusion of my life and strong suspicion that I was about to be laid off. First thing that Monday morning, I received the same call from Frank that Linda had received a week earlier. The butterfly batted it’s wings. It was time to make my road trip a reality, which I did in September and traveled across the US until December.

That road trip gave me time to think about my life and what I wanted out it. It also help put into perspective how miserable and lonely I was in California. It wasn’t immediate that I knew I wanted to move back to Ogden, but I was ready to do something new. I finally made the decision in January 2015 to return to Ogden and made the move on the last week of that January.

I know have incredible friends. My life is full of art and creativity. Ogden has so much going on and activities to partake in.  I now have much better work-life balance. I work on my art, poetry, and photography as much as I work. I’m not working constantly and being stressed just to afford my apartment in California. I have time to enjoy my life. I’m also no longer lonely.

I have met the most amazing people, and I’m surrounded by some of them that morning as I look at my phone. I tell the ladies about my Facebook memory. It is so different to have been in Ennis before, confused and unsure about what to do with my life, compared to being here with them, celebrating the life I have now.

I like to say the life I was looking for in California, I found when I returned to Ogden. I am completely grateful for the new path my life has taken and I’m so glad these ladies are part of my life. Seeing the Facebook memory from 4 years earlier, made this road trip even more meaningful. When I tell the ladies about my earlier visit to Ennis compared to this trip, they are happy to be part of that moment. But I’m also grateful for that reminder of my first visit to Ennis, which helped me appreciate the new journey I’m on even more.

I’m a writer!

July 21, 2018

Starting last January, my friends Nina, Sarah, and I worked through the Artist Way. The Artist Way is a 12 chapter/week course on creativity developed by Julia Cameron.  There was lots of great ideas and skills to help grow creativity. But it wasn’t until I finished the last chapter that I had my major Artist Way breakthrough.  It was a simple thought – “I am a writer.”

Cameron often mentioned that blocked creatives would surround themselves with art and artists rather than making their own art. I definitely have spent a lot of energy supporting other artists, which I don’t mind doing. I find inspiration in their work. But I think I my thoughts and language about my art was how I surrounded myself with art, but not claim it as my own.

When people questioned me about what I make, I always had the same response regardless of what I was working on. “Oh, you’re a poet?” and I’d respond, “No, I just like writing poetry. I’m not trained enough to be a poet.” Oh, you’re an artist?” No, I just like to make things. I always have random ideas to make things.” Oh, you’re a writer?” No, I like to write. It’s a way to connect with others.” Never would I say – Yes, I’m a poet. Yes, I’m an artist. Yes, I’m a writer. The most you could coax out of me was “I’m a creative,” which was generic enough in my mind to not mean anything.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life questioning my ability to write. Starting back in high school, when a teacher told me, I was a horrible writer. If I had any confidence in my writing, I totally lost it all at that point. Since then, I’ve always had the desire and drive to write, but it was tainted with the doubt that I could write.

Borrowing from Jay Smooth, I developed a healthy little hater voice in my head. That evil voice would always be there when I had an idea to write. “Oh isn’t that cute? What makes you think anyone wants to hear about that? Do you even know enough about that topic to have an opinion? Well, that’s just stupid. You can’t even write, so why do you keep trying?”

I’ve done a lot of writing since that high school teacher told me I couldn’t write. I wrote my master’s thesis. I became an expert at online communication. I published articles in newspapers. I wrote a blog. I wrote poetry. Even though I did all this work to improve my writing and started to receive praise for my writing, I still could not claim that I was a writer. That hater voice was always there to tell me I was a fraud.

It was quite a shock that after 6 months of working through the Artist Way and my brain screams “I’m a writer.” I was like holy shit, what does that mean if I actually claim it. I’m a writer! How does the world look if I’m a writer. If writer is as much a part of me as my DNA, does that change how I relate to writing.

Honestly, it was a relief! Believing that writing is as much a part of me as breathing, released the pressure that I have to prove myself as a writer. As long as I’m writing, I’m a writer. I’m going to write the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s all okay. I have a need that is part of my foundation of self. If I don’t do it, I’m not being true to myself. So I must write, and that writing is for me.

Now, every time my hater voice reappears, I have my response, my mantra. I’m a writer. It doesn’t matter what you say, because I’m a writer. And when I get the urge to procrastinate and avoid writing with things like you need to do more research or you need to read more, I can hold myself more accountable. “Hey writer, just get those words on the page.” I don’t have the excuse that I’m only doing some writing and let other projects get in the way. I’m a writer. It’s something I have to do to be me, not just something I want to do.

 

Farmer’s Market Love

July 1, 2018

Are there places you go that bring a smile to your face?
A sense of happy settles over your soul. A place that regardless who is there,
Feels like home?

bright yellow lemons
crisp green asparagus
sweet but not too sweet fudge
fresh cooked Thai food
spicy roasted almonds

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People crowd and jam the street. Jockey for the best position in each booth.
Don’t skip a sample! Follow your nose to lunch.
Kettle corn – odorific aroma porn

fresh cut flowers
sticky sweet honey
ripe apricots
deep red cherries
purple, orange, and yellow carrots

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Wandering the closed streets of the Farmer’s Market, I feel alive
I breathe deep to savor the smells.
I push and jostle in line for a taste of that famous fudge.

photos on metal, photos on canvas, photos on print
handmade soap
hand-died fabric
pen and ink drawings
reclaimed wood furniture

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From fresh-picked to handmade
Creations grown from the soul, the market celebrates the artist’s wares
Delighted as I pick out a one-of-kind wire-wrapped necklace

lotions and potions
bracelets
earthernware pottery
succulents
hand-sewn dolls

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I can feel the happy settle over me as I explore the market
My smile explodes at each new find!
The market grounds my soul. I feel home!

 

I Love Ogden

May 20, 2018

Mt. Ogden stretches toward the sky on the West. I climb the scree field to get to the source of your wonder. The water flows from your peak and over the cliff to claim my heart. The snow mates with the sun on those upper rises to send that vibrant stream down the slopes until it explodes into a waterfall that seeds life into the soil below. Here, I am taken by your power. The feeling rises from the depths of my soul and I moan, oh god, you make me whole!

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Into my heart, your river flows. It races down the canyon, flowing past rock and rubble. The swift cool water centers the deep crevices carved in mountain walls. I jump in the current and become part of the flow. Hug each curve of the river, feel each swirl, get swallowed in each eddy, as the flow paints the bottom edge of the mountains above. Your wet, wild river fertilizes the banks as it races from this canyon into the heart of Ogden.

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To the north sits great Ben, I want to climb your peak and lose myself in your enormous rise that smiles down on Ogden below. Let me caress your curves along the trail and stroke each pass as I climb your mount. The thought of your rugged ways makes me quiver inside. When I summit and reached the climax of your mountain crest, I will embrace you in my nature’s womb.

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My passion for Ogden drives from north to south. Come cruise along the Vard to create our love song. Let me shift your stick and honk your horn. Vroom, Vroom, our engines rev. Don’t drive too fast, we want to make this ride last. Swoop down past the temple that tries to mock our sin. But this town’s wild can’t be reined in. Let’s pull into the Bigelow to grab a room, to know why it pays to live in Ogden.

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The ebb and flow of this city rides along the tracks. Let the steam build as the car rocks along the rails. The cha-tunk, cha-tunk, cha-tunk rhythm drives the beat of my heart. Your flame burning coals get me so hot. My face turns red and beads of sweat form at my crown as the engine builds pressure. You pull into my station. I let go. AAAAAA screams my whistle to signal you came home.

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Let’s walk this night, down the historic steps of 25thstreet. A place where history won’t hide it wild side. Let’s learn from those who’ve wandered these streets before and tumbled on the bedsheets behind the walls of lore. Take me in, you, brothels of the past and saloons of the present. Have your way with me, untame me, set me free, my beautiful Ogden. To you, I’ll always be your whore.

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(images are from postcards and greeting cards of Ogden, Utah)