I’ve been such a blogging slacker lately, but I really need to give myself a break. I totally went through with my plans and packed up and moved back to Utah. I’ll admit it was an emotional decision for me to make and that added to the stress of moving. But I worked through all though issues and made a huge, but incredible change in the direction of my life.
Maybe it would have made it easier to go through the change if I’d been writing publicly about it and sharing the story. But I needed that extra energy just to get everything packed up and moved in less than two weeks and then to get set up in my parents house when I made it back to Utah. I’m happy to announce that on Tuesday, I will have been back in Utah for 4 weeks and I’m starting to feel settled. That’s why I feel like I’m ready to get back to my writing, even though I’ve left you hanging for the last 6 weeks!
I’ve already shared why I came to the decision of why it was time for me to leave the Bay Area and return to my home town. But I had to deal with some emotional baggage before I could happily return. I thought a lot about if I was giving up by moving home or if I was failing because I finally decided I couldn’t make it their. But honestly moving back to Utah was never going to be giving up or failure. It was just making a change to support my new path of life. The real failure was my ego, which I had to get into check.
Ten years and a half years ago when I left Utah, I’d just finished my Master’s degree and I was ready to rebel agains all the oppressive norms I felt growing up in Utah. I wanted show that a woman could go from small city Utah and have some high-power career, where I would take care of myself, and live the fabulous city life as seen on TV. When I had my career, I felt like I was looking back at all the sexist people in Utah who expect women to just have kids and not care about their career, and telling them to shove it. I built my ego up and made myself feel better because I thought I was better than Utah. (I apologize to all my friends I love in Utah. I never thought anything bad about you. This was all about me and my ego. But I totally deserve your criticism for my small-mindedness.)
So I was going back to Utah, which for the longest time I thought I was just too damn good for. Luckily, I was able to start to see the good things about Utah. Plus, I’ve been working on myself for long enough that I can do a good battle with my ego and get it to let go of my thinking and how I define my self value. But still I admit my failure to get such a California ego that I had no problem trashing my roots and closing me off to the good things about Utah and Ogden.
I had my bestie constantly asking me if I was happy and sure I was making the right decision. I really knew moving home was the best decision. I was nervous because I was giving up all I had known for the last 10 years. Minus, the ego problem, I really did feel that I grew into myself in California. I was coming back a different person and I didn’t want to lose that. I also tend to worry when I should be focusing on the excitement about change. So happy was going to be a bit out in the distance for me.
But even with fighting my mental baggage, I did it. I moved to Utah and I couldn’t be happier. I’m starting to settle into a routine. I’ve gone back to working part time doing contract work. I’ve still got time for my creative endeavors. Yes, it’s different to live in Ogden. It definitely is not as social as the Bay Area, where people can go out most nights for food and drink. But I’ve been learning how to cook and making dinner for my parents instead of going to my regular watering hole. I also found a cafe for me to enjoy and work from, which carries on some of how I lived in California. Kaffe Mercantile has definitely treated me well. Plus, I get to see my dear friends that I had missed so much from living so far away.
So with almost a month under my belt here in Ogden, I can say I’m happy. This was absolutely the best move for me and I’m glad I found the courage to make the change. I do apologize for my Ego and being so anti-Utah for so long. But I’m here now to really discover the good things about my home town, and since I’m coming back as a new person, I hope my eyes will see things with a positive and open perspective.