I feel called to write. It’s really easy for me to write things I never think I’ll share. But I struggle with writing what I do plan to share. That hater voice in my head likes to come forth and ask me what am I doing? Why would anyone care what I have to say? So, I procrastinate and waste time instead of writing. Yet, I have this feeling in my gut, I have to write. This is what I need to do. Deep down inside, I hear some voice that is starting to speak to me louder than that hater voice. I hear it say, “You have to write! This is your contribution to the world. Write about the world you want to live in and live by those words.”
Does it matter if anyone reads what I write? I have an ego like everyone else, so yes it does matter. I don’t need the whole world, and I’m grateful for those who do read my words. But the hater voice in my brain loves to mess with that need. “No one cares what you have to say. You are just stroking your ego by writing.” I admit this damn voice can really work me over, so I have to face it head on and trust that feeling deep in my gut. This is what I am supposed to do. But honestly, I would love to get to the point where I don’t care what that hater voice is saying and even don’t care what people might think about me for writing and sharing. I want to have faith in that gut feeling that this is what my soul is guiding me to do.
Also, I admit I write selfishly for me. I write to share my ideas and to connect with people. But I also write so I don’t feel alone. My life in California was one of extremely loneliness. I’ve grown a lot from that experience (I’ll save that for another blog post), but I know what it is like to feel completely alone. I don’t want to feel that way again. I also don’t want anyone else to feel that way, since it was quite soul crushing. I hope my words bring comfort to those who do feel alone, so they know I’ve experienced it too. I hope my words create connection and help others know they aren’t alone.
I’ve also learned that feeling alone and the need for connection is being human, and I am totally human. Doubting the feeling in my gut that I am supposed to write and having that hater voice is also me being human. So, I’m going to work hard on quieting that voice, but also, I’m not beat myself up for it being there. No point in beating myself up for being human! The same goes to each and every one of you!
I’m not striving for perfection or recognition with this blog either. So, I’ll share my hopes and fears, failures and successes. And this is big for me, because I really struggle with being vulnerable. But hopefully there will be connection and support for you and for me, so none of us feel alone no matter what we are going through.
So, I’m going to listen to the voice in my gut calling me to write. I’m going to face that hater voice with courage. I’m going to write. I’m going to share. I’m going to vulnerable. And I’m going to be completely human since that is all I can be.
I admit too that I had to write this confessional blog to help me face that hater voice and help get back writing. Even though I’ve heard the call to write, I’ve been procrastinating. It’s time for me to stop. Embrace what my gut is telling me who I am – a writer. So today I write. I’m posting this to my blog, which is coming along slow because of procrastination! But that changes here. I hope you’ll join me for this adventure!
Crellim Creative 